Up and About

Footprints in the snow

2012-01-27T16:50:00.002+01:00

It's been a few weeks without proper posts on this blog. Maybe that's a good thing, I don't know. I've been busy elsewhere addressing my issues in a way I've never approached them before. That's a huge step I guess, even more I hope it'll eventually lead me forward. Sometimes I'm not so sure about that... but maybe having doubts is a part of the process? (please, say it is).
So I'm currently (and so far without the knowledge of my family) having sessions at a crisis/trauma counsellor associated to an adult abuse victims support group. I guess there is a lot a say about this, or maybe not. The first session was tough. Trying to find words on images and emotions and tell my story eye to eye isn't exactly my strongest part. Yet I somewhat pulled through. The following sessions was even worse. I even dread say they (so far) has been absolutely horrible. But I've been explained that going to the bottom with kept and buried issues of blame and particularly shame, unfortunately that is a painful process. There's no way around it. I just hope the outcome will make up for the efforts.

So what do I hope to achieve? The goal is simple, I suspect some reading this will rule me out as seriously disturbed. Well you're probably correct in that assumption. I want to set my perspectives right. I'm tired of feeling like I need to excuse myself for being the one I am. I want to claim my life back. That's it. You can stop laughing now. I have no idea how long this will take. When I think of it, it took me thirty years to reach this point so maybe it's easy to suspect it might take awhile. Well I'm not going anywhere...

Still. I the middle of it all. Life goes on. It has a tendency to do just that.

It's the kids and their friends, The Gf and all that. Dreams and hopes. I had a serious haircut yesterday. When I showed up at work this morning my workmates had a lot of fun on my behalf, some suggested I had sent an evil clone instead of myself. I just wish. Even a few random (but frequent) customers commented upon my new look, luckily in a much nicer way. Damnit, it's just a stupid haircut! What if it looks like I'm really longing for summer? For the record; I am.

I mean, I can seriously do without this view. So now you had it... a ration of my whining. Everything is the same, I haven't changed. Great. Tomorrow my parents have invited us over for lunch. The day after they're off on a three week South American trip/tour, so I guess beside saying goodbye that lunch will be served accompanied with a request for us to look after their place while they're gone. I will happily volunteer for that task, some mail to bring in and my mother's jungle-like collection of flowers to water... then the piano is all mine. So yeah *raising my hand*, I'll do it mum!

Tonight it's just me and The Kid for supper. Possibly also his friend K who's currently here in the house messing with him. I haven't asked but I guess when I do K will happily share a bite with us. The Gf is off working late and The Young Man has left for some party with his friends. I have no idea when he'll be back, and I probably won't notice either. After working five days in a row on early shifts I feel absolutely drained and exhausted and I know will crash to bed pretty early. Hopefully before the sleep deprivation headache kicks in. A glass of red and I'm out. I'm cheap, right? Well there you have my "plans" for tonight, a random Friday in my life. Thrilling eh. :-)

I guess that's it for now. Take care every one. Enjoy your weekend.

Much Love
Daniel

Music

2012-01-23T04:49:00.001+01:00

Probably a bit cheesy... and repetitive I think, still beautiful. James Horner. By ear.

My soundcloud

Much Love
Daniel

An explanation, or possibly an apology. Or relief. It's any way you want it really

2012-01-04T16:43:00.000+01:00

I've been a bad blogger lately, sorry for that. Right now mails to reply are piling up and I really need to catch up on so many great blogs, comment wherever it's appropriate and so on. You know the drill. Maybe I should write a post or two as well, preferably about something interesting. I guess random daily stuff going on in my life isn't that immensely thrilling, I know I must do better. However right now I'm in the process of taking a few important steps in my life and that has currently directed my attention and focus elsewhere, away from blogland.

Exactly. There's no reason to panic. And it won't help at all, we're doomed anyway. But while waiting for the Big End to come snatch us all, why not sort some issues out and try make good use of the lives we have been given? That's basically what I'm trying to do. I know, that sounded all cliché... so what. It's the truth.

I don't expect the world to end or shake violently because of this. And I know it's hard to believe but life as we know it will go on. There's no need to bother really. Carry on, keep it up. Stay safe. This is me saying; Stay tuned. And most of all, don't panic. Normal service will be resumed later on.

Much Love
Daniel

Plunging. Or not

2012-01-01T11:54:00.001+01:00

No hangover worth mentioning. Didn't even wake up at some unfamiliar random place, under the bushes or so. Outside my window everything is still there. Maybe a little frozen yet there. Everyone in my family are safe. Could be worse. So far 2012 seems alright.

Maybe it's a little premature to start drop judgements and jump into conclusions so soon, but isn't that just what we humans are keen in doing? We judge people, categorise them, treat them different accordingly. Maybe that's the way it's supposed to be. Maybe our restricted minds just can't process the idea of all being individuals so we have to simplify what we have around us. Just to cope. If that's the case I believe we're doomed. If that's the case I fear it doesn't matter how hard we try, we are destined to screw up create enemies set up borders between them and us and when technology one day has progressed far enough we will eventually perish in a spectacular apocalypse. Or just silently fade away under our own stupidity. Maybe even without ever realizing our flaws and guilt.

But a part of me refuse to see our existence this way. I dearly don't want our struggles to be completely in vain. I want to believe we all can make a difference if we only want to. And I do want. You see, all my life I have felt like an outsider. Like I don't belong, like I really should be at some undefined somewhere else. Not here. Yet my presence is tolerated. Most likely barely. That feeling is hard to explain but trying to explain or define is not the point. The important thing is that it fuels my will to struggle, and I have to say I'm sort of proud of that creative use of my unsocial tendency. I just hope it pays off. I mean, all the efforts.

I just read what I wrote and I realize my view seems damn dark and pessimistic. But do you know why. Do you know why I just don't turn around and walk away. That would be the easiest solution. It's because I don't want to die feeling I wasted all my chances for nothing. Like a grand piano dropped from a 747. That extreme feeling of plunging through life towards the inevitable end. That's worth some struggles avoiding, at least to me.

Let's make 2012 a good one.

Much Love
Daniel

The end is closing in, some thoughts on it

2011-12-31T11:36:00.001+01:00

Should be doing one of those lists I guess. The highlights of 2011. Or so. That thought actually struck me but I just couldn't figure out what list to do that hadn't already been done a thousand times. So, nah. Let's skip that idea. Maybe I should try pass on some words of wisdom, but then I realize I'm probably not the one that should engage myself in such activities. If I'm honest and look upon myself I can clearly see my life tend to be lived on a day-to-day basis. I rarely look too far ahead, nor do I have any deliberate or well thought out plan I'm sticking to. However, despite this wobbling approach to life (or sheer lack of approach) I have to admit I feel remarkably content with myself. I'm about to leave this year behind and move on to the next one with a feeling of unusual strength and confidence. Normally I just feel relieved to drop that bag I'm carrying and hope my next bag will be a lighter one. And at least to start with, it is. Then I tend to fill it with all sorts of crazy stuff like remorse shame guilt and broken dreams.

Now I don't. I almost have a slight touch of expectation. Of course, you know me by now, I have a few trips planned up ahead. I always have. I love make such little deviations from ordinary life. Even if it's only for a week now and then I return back home with my perspectives set a little more straight. With a renewed strength to carry on with whatever I'm doing that sometimes is draining me so much. Life, I guess.
And I have finally (and I honestly really mean finally!) signed up to try unhook me from my ghosts from the past. For once I look forward, I really do.

But 2011 hasn't been all bad, of course not and nor do I claim that's the case. There has been a lot of happiness, tons of laughters, piles of great moments. If I have to pick one in particular then I'd go for me and The Kid's summer vacation. It was really splendid and we still talk about it. What I appreciate most of all is that we have become even closer, me and TK. That's something to cherish indeed.

Here are some assorted pics from the 2011, all previously seen in their appropriate posts.

So yeah. Bring it on. 2012, here I come.

Happy New Year everyone!!

Much Love
Daniel

Made it worthwhile

2011-12-28T15:06:00.001+01:00

Sometimes it just pays off to make it out of bed and do that thing my employer insists in. I think it's called "work". For what purpose I have no idea. Anyway. This morning nature offered a free spectacular colour show titled daybreak. If it wasn't for work I had been still in bed and missed it all. So thank you boss I guess.

Beside resize and a touch of unsharp mask, no photoshop or editing at all. These views were simply too stunning to keep from you, I had to show them.

Much Love
Daniel

Showing some attitude

2011-12-27T16:33:00.003+01:00

As birthday gift The Kid was also given some money for shopping clothes. Normally shopping for basic clothes are included in his allowance but of course that money doesn't take him too far. Honestly, having him realizing that was one of our tough-love approach pedagogic points when we decided to let him do his own budgeting and shopping. It's kind of funny to see how TK's shopping has changed. In total contrast to his brother he used to be picky. Really picky. A shopping trip could potentially last forever, just as the number of stores we might had to visit in search for a shirt in THAT colour or in THAT style could be countless. Nowadays when shopping on his own money (and doing it himself) that isn't the case. Sales has turned out to be acceptable. Colours and styles are no longer that important. Basic stuff will do fine, too. LOL I knew that would happen, we just had to push him a little to get there.

Well as said this time he had extra money to spend so he and his friend K made themselves a trip to the city today, having Christmas break from school and all. I have no idea how many shops TK dragged poor K in and out of before finding what he wanted, I didn't dare ask. He (eventually) found his shirts alright, some of them were pretty funny. I especially like this one and its attitude/simplicity.

Dislike. Just his humour.

Now something else, or to be precise: Random pics. Enjoy or be alarmed.

My sky this morning. So amazing. It was still damn windy, some even spoke of storm. When I came to work and spoke with my workmates I realized we had been damn lucky. Not far from my place there had been a long-lasting power cut when falling trees had taken out the powerlines in so many places. The news guy on the radio this morning spoke about 10.000's of people in my area still out of electricity. So maybe I shouldn't complain about stupid flickering lights. At all? Nah.

Had me a walk after work just to check things out. And yes, there were fallen trees all over. After some time I even stopped counting them. It's impressing to see how such massive trees can just snap.

And this pic is from yesterday's family visit to the city. Walking from the cinema and back to the car again we used a pedestrian tunnel built over 150 years ago as shortcut. After upgrading and renovation a part of the tunnel wall has been covered with stainless steel (or so) making up this cool reflection. Or maybe it's utterly boring, maybe it's just my mind appreciating this. Whatever. Now you've seen it too. Ha!

That's it. Have fun. Behave.

Much Love
Daniel

In for a surprise

2011-12-26T20:36:00.003+01:00

We have just made it trough a massive storm. Last night was really wicked, the trees outside my window was twisting and bending like crazy and I was seriously worried my windows was about to break in the wind. Luckily nothing happened, this morning both windows and trees were all there but the lights has kept on flicking precariously the entire day.

When we did a little trip to the city for a visit to the cinema we came across this unfortunate car. Obviously a victim for the storm. I guess the owner of that white car is in for a surprise when he returns to pick it up. Even the Volvo in front of it had been hit by that falling tree, it had smashed windows and some major bumps and scratches. Not like that poor white car, still.

The film was alright, it was picked by The Kid as it was his 14th birthday. We had planned to have supper out afterwards as well but that turned out to be trickier than expected. Most restaurants kept closed over the holiday and the few that didn't was crowded beyond reason to say the least, so we eventually had to settle for (tasty and spicy) Thai wok takeaway from our no1 supplier on our way home. It may sound like a little lame and boring way to celebrate a birthday but in the end everyone was happy and full... so well, I guess it wasn't.

Tomorrow...gah... got to work. Why? Now when I'm used to stay home and chill and all. Why??

Much Love
Daniel

Resolutions aren't really my thing... but...

2011-12-23T10:05:00.000+01:00

I guess knowing my wishes most likely will fail and in the end leave me disappointed I'm not really in to making new years resolutions. But really, resolutions aren't about fulfilling or achieving, are they? I honestly think it's all about the struggle to reach forward, that straining to try a little harder. To me resolutions are about having goals and dreams in life, no matter how childish or unrealistic they intentionally may look like. And if we have no desires then we're hopelessly stuck, aren't we?

For 2012 I hope intolerance and discrimination will end. I hope peoples eyes will finally open and accept those around for what they are, no matter political religious or sexual preferences. Diversity should be embraced like a blessing, like a fresh breath of air offering an exciting new view of life, maybe even new possibilities. I also sincerely hope extremism, regardless the cause, will soon fade away and find itself in the dark pages of the book of history.
In the smaller scale I hope I can be myself, I hope I can drop the guilt and shame I've been dragging with me for so long. I hope I am that person able to change.

It's been a lot lately. Good stuff, downing stuff, perhaps also life-changing stuff if you want. In some sense I can't help feel a little proud over myself, realizing despite everything I have come out mostly alright in the end... yay I guess. Sure, I understand some in real life regard me as strange possibly even weird, let so be it. I don't care, really I don't. I try to be me and do it my way, but staying true to oneself is not always the easiest task. I suspect I'm into a mission impossible but still I do my best to be honest and stand up for what I believe in and for those I love. The only thing I can do is hope those knowing me more than superficial can spot and appreciate that effort. That and nothing else.

You know, I have been struggling with this blog for quite some time. I just checked; there has been 2.5 years and over 700 posts. Between all the ranting and nonsense it has also been a way to open up my heart and let stuff bothering me out. Maybe my (few) points have gone lost between the silly and pointless posts, I don't know. Hope not. Nevertheless it's been good for me, but maybe not always necessarily enjoyable. Yet needed. Hopefully I have kept you entertained one way or another as well.
However lately I haven't felt that way. I have been struggling with the words and that fine line between what I can say and what I want to say has sometimes gone so damn blurred. With some retrospect I honestly regret mentioning some of my secretes but never mind. In all honesty, I have gained a lot of perspectives and stuff clouding my little head have eventually ended up somewhat filtered sorted and dealt with making me feel a little more at ease. More sure about myself.

More determined.

Most of all, I now see where I have to focus. I need to deal with my life, I really need to disembark this emotional rollercoaster I have been riding for so long, by now I'm honestly sick beyond words of it. I have to break free from self-assumed negativity and haunting ghosts and films running in my head on repeat. Most of all, have to put some efforts in being a good dad and a bearable husband. I'm painfully aware my life at times has been nothing but a poor show, which just proves by my psych still checking on me now and then. Finding out if I have put a bullet trough my brain or not I guess. Well I'm about to disappoint her, her favourite nutcase and safe income aren't going to (and neither does he intend to finish himself off using other methods either :p).
This guilt trip of mine must stop. I really need to take a grip and that's just what I intend to do. I don't like to do it but I realize if I don't I will eventually die this way. I just keep my fingers crossed that the steps taken so far are the proper ones leading me in the right direction. Judging from the massive lump in my stomach when I think of it they probably are, but you never can be too sure, can you? Maybe that gut feeling is there to warn me. Never mind. Let's find out which, let's start walking forward eh.

Anyway, I have went on enough and if you've read this far then I congratulate and thank you. I wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Much Love
Daniel

Oh crap

2011-12-21T20:52:00.001+01:00

It seems like my latest post for some reason doesn't show up in the rss-feed. Maybe because it was a repost? Yet updated, still a freaking stupid repost. As the title goes; oh crap.

Well it's soon Christmas, I have to be nice right? Here's a nice little cosy link for you to follow instead. So now, go ahead and do it.

Much Love
Daniel

Reposted & Updated -- Noticeable company Christmas gifts

2011-12-21T19:58:00.005+01:00

Yet another round at this slave ship named "Work" is soon completed. As usually there has been both horrible storms and nasty bloodsucking monsters threatening us on our voyage crossing the sea of Business. But just as the wrecking and mutiny has been close a few times so has also the days of coffee drinking and chill. Boredom, almost. Weirdly the lashing whip never goes away no matter the circumstances. If there is one constant, well there you have it!

Recently we had our traditional julbord (Christmas buffet), that's always a nice meal containing pretty much anything you expect put on a plate this time of year. Almost anyway. The alcohol was banned because serving drinks making people happy and able to blank out slave-miseries even for a few minutes are so any against all company policies. So julmust there was instead. But it's okay, I don't mind.
Then after the meal we had (at least for me and my screwed humour) the highly anticipated distribution of this years Christmas gift. That's something of a tradition too, it's never anything major or a massive bonus (please - maybe SOME year?!), more something supposed to be seen as a token of appreciation. A few times the stuff put in the little box to unwrap has honestly turned out to be just crap, however sometimes the little gift has actually been something usable.
I've heard of companies skipping the xmas-employee-gift thingy and all money initially budgeted for this purpose has been given to charity instead. It's a great thing to do and I think I like that idea. Think. I'm not sure because I've never been put through that, I've never been hired by a company actually having a conscience and heart for others ;)

Anyway.

I seriously suspect there must be some important committee figuring out what to buy as company gift - and why. You see, it has to be a reason, a purpose, a hidden meaning lying underneath. It just has to be!!

//

In no particular order:

One year we had a cheapish copy of the famous Swiss army knife. Red and shiny but with a different logo.
- The reason? Ha! Easy one!! As it is forbidden by law to carry knives in public places the management wanted us all arrested.

A set of pocket binoculars
- "You might need this one to try spot your raise" / We all got THAT message for sure.

The tool set containing screwdrivers a wrench and a nipper
- "If you break something - fix it yourself. We just sacked the repairman." / They did!

The wrist watch
- "Don't be late you lazy bastards!!" or possibly "Don't try sneak home early!" / HA! Didn't help! We kept on coming and going as it pleased.

The sport bag
- "Put your stuff in this one and leave!" / Didn't work. We all stayed with the one single mission to taunt the management.

The fleece cover
- "Have you seen the current oil price?? We don't intend to buy oil to the heater this winter. Wrap yourself in this one and maybe you won't freeze to death" / Survived! But it was damn cold.

The fleece bathrobe
- "Sorry, the oil doesn't seem to go cheaper this winter..." / Survived yet another winter.

The kitchen knife set
- "The extended personal commitment starts now. We are kind enough to provide the necessary tools for your Seppuku if you fail at work" / The knives were crap and couldn't even cut spaghetti without going blunt, the cutting board a bit better. Still use it at home.

The 50/50 torch
- "We decided to skip the gifts but changed our mind the very last second. Here you have crappy cheap torches. Half of them work, half of them don't. Those working doesn't shine much anyway. Couldn't find anything else. Have fun" / A lot of people incl me refused this one. We later had an apology from the management.

The kitchen mixer. The inevitable warning sign was of course embedded and had to be removed before usage: Don't you dare chop your fingers off, remember we hired you in one piece!
- "If you have any improvement suggestions, please put them in this machine and hit start because that's how much we care about your opinion" / Not surprised, already knew that. Still the mixer managed to produce frozen daiquiris decent enough to have me drunk.

Not the toaster - the mixer; The corporate slave reward.

And this year (....drum roll...): a pair of black warm ski pants!
So what are these trying to imply? I figure this:"- The company climate are about to change. In what way? Not only will the roof height be adjusted (downwards). See this warming outfit as a hint of what else is to come" / Somehow I suspect 2012 will be an interesting year. But then, every year has surprised me. I have always thought we had reached the bottom... but no, it turned out it was possible to dig a little deeper.

I'm an ungrateful bastard, right? LOL

Anyway, with this post I wish you all a wonderful Christmas! Thank you for standing my whining and rambling nonsense. Kram!!

A cat ass in our Christmas tree

Much Love
Daniel

I wonder if Kim Jong Ill ever had a SAAB...?

2011-12-20T18:40:00.000+01:00

I know we all '¨ä¨ä¨ä¨ä¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨äääääääääääääääääääääääääääääääääääääääääääää (<- sorry, that was a message from one of the cats walking across my keyboard) are mourning the loss of The Great Leader Kim Jong-Ill. And why shouldn't we. I mean, who else did five hole-in-one on his first ever round of golf? Who else had a new star lit in the sky when he was born? Who else could adjust the climate by mind control? Who else was a fighterjet pilot AND conducted operas? Of course we all are deeply heartbroken, but with all respect why not also give a minute for SAAB?

I know this is so trivial in comparison but the Swedish car manufacturer SAAB filed for bankruptcy yesterday. The actual car production actually ended months ago when the suppliers didn't get paid and stopped deliver the pre-made car parts such as seats, electronics and so on. Since then there has been several attempts to sort out the economics, arrange new ownership, anything. Until yesterday. Of course, most people had foreseen this bankruptcy and realized it was just a matter of time. Unfortunately this is a massive blow for the city of Trollhättan, the home of SAAB. Thousands will now go unemployed because of this.

Did you know SAAB originally was a manufacturer of airplanes and after WW2 twenty airplane designers developed a car which back then was seen as extremely streamline and futuristic?

So bye bye SAAB. Nice to have known you.

Much Love
Daniel

(Now, back to the mourning)

I liked her better before

2011-12-17T17:53:00.001+01:00

So I guess it has begun. The massive rainstorm last night this morning turned to snow (without losing its intensity) and kept on barfing throughout the day. As I'm writing this (at 7.40pm) it is still snowing. Yuck. Why can't someone invent warm snow? Why does it have to be that freaking cold?? Anyhoo. Despite the intense stay inside-mood that hit me, we had some Christmas shopping to complete. Oh. For those of you still convinced Santa Claus exist; We had to go shop... groceries! Yep. Definitely groceries.

Not only "groceries" was on our list of stuff to buy. The Kid soon has his 14th birthday up and he did provide us with an extensive and detailed wish list. Or as he explained; List of demands. No matter how you decide to define and name his list, it was kind of funny to read. He's definitely on the bridge between childhood and teenage. Amongst a lot of stuff we found both Lego and a Shirt and Tie. Now that's a great span of interests, isn't it?

So off we went. The weather took us to the mall, maybe that's a little boring place to visit (and I know all the malls with their major chains are killing the local businesses), sorry! My apologies. But I didn't feel like end up soaking wet and cold running up and down the streets of the city in barfing snow. So I guess I now may have contributed to the death of yet another small shop.

We didn't opt for Lego, even though I have to say I love the creativity those little plastic blocks bring out. The picture above can be seen as a hint for what kind of stores we visited in our search for The Kid's b'day gifts.

Eventually we got finished shopping... or more correctly; I was. As usually I ended up waiting for The Gf that just HAD to run off to check something else while I was left to guard our bags. But I never was worried, she did say "...this will only take a second!" as she disappeared in to the crowd. That means she's soon back. And I have never heard that before. Oh no. *sigh*

Somehow I liked shopping with her so much better before. When she was on crutches. When she soon got tired in that aching knee and asked to be taken home again. That's why I took control of the driving when I finally found her again. With the doors locked and no detours granted we made it home safely. All of us.

That was yet another exciting day in my thrilling life.

Much Love
Daniel

Never went to Baghdad. Now it's too late anyway

2011-12-16T15:33:00.003+01:00

Don't know where I'm heading really. Should feel content, should feel some kind of pride. Maybe I do, but if that's the case I can't spot it. The sheer determination I felt just a few days ago has now partly been replaced by a massive lump in my stomach, sometimes accompanied by a migraine lurking round the corner. But I know, that's my way of handling pressure and stressful situations (a.k.a not that good). However I'm not going to back down on this one. No way. I have promised myself to fulfil what I have decided to. If I don't do it now, will I ever do it?

Still, daily life pushes on. The Young Man is off tonight with his friends (and I suspect a certain young lady is included) ice skating, dinner out (probably something "exclusive" like MacD), then they're watching Sherlock Holmes 2 which I think recently premièred over here. I guess I'm well asleep before he's back home. The Kid has been home from school a good part of this week with a massive cold. He's been sneezing and coughing and his mood hasn't really been what we're used to. Luckily it's just a cold so we basically just have to wait it out. But on the other hand, The Gf will finally start working next week after being home with a knee issue for almost 3 months.

It's kind of funny, the last days she's been saying stuff to us all like (and I believe she's been dead serious in this) "...oh, will you miss me when I'm off to work again?" and "...will you be sad when I'm gone?".
Of course will we miss her, but no one of us have had the heart to tell her it's also a good thing (and we honestly have a little sense of relief but we really can't say THAT) to have her away from home now and then. Especially the boys has complained (to me) that she's started to go almost annoyingly nagging and over-protective the last weeks. And nosy beyond what's reasonable. I did my best to explain to them that she has probably just gone bored sitting home having noting in particular to do beside her physiotherapy, and I asked them to count to three, take a deep breath and show some patience with her instead of freaking out. And they did just that to a level making me really proud. So yeah, we're all happy. From different perspectives that is ;)

You can never guess what happened just now, outside my very window. Remember the street outside my house, the one I sometimes has referred to as "the backstreet of Baghdad"? A few years ago it was completely dug up and some pipes/drains/something got installed. For months my poor street looked like The battle of Somme with trenches and mud all over. Driving there and not going stuck or falling down a deep crater-sized hole was a true achievement. Then suddenly (and obviously quick and cheep) everything was bulldozed and covered with a layer of asphalt.
You're right. It didn't take long before the ground started to sink and the asphalt broke in pieces under the massive and ever increasing subsidence. And up until now nothing more has happened in this case. In fact nothing at all, beside the craters and potholes growing bigger and bigger and you realize you seriously can't hit them without risking your car. Seriously. You can't.

Today. Men working. Noisy machines. Smoke. New asphalt! Wooah!!

(Unfortunately the repair job seems just as "professional" as the original crappy filling so I guess it's just a matter of time till the craters are back. A month? Possibly two. Like that. Oh well, better enjoy while it lasts.)

Much Love
Daniel

Setting things straight

2011-12-11T19:14:00.000+01:00

First off you need to understand I'm not into some big downer or something. My world hasn't been clearer in a long long time. My mind hasn't been more focused on going to the bottom of things for like... forever. Second off you need to know it's been crunch time. Decision time. Time to set things straight with the ghosts that made me feel like a worthless not human shit for so long. Time to drop them, or at least it's time to draw a line and kick them into the past where they belong. I have really strengthen myself far beyond what I knew was possible into arranging my first session with the support group for adult abuse victims I may have mentioned in an earlier post. So far the response I have been given has been nothing but amazing. The need I have always felt to excuse myself; gone. Feels so damn irrelevant. I realize, really mean realize I am not the one that should be fucking apologizing, it's them! Honestly, so far into this process I haven't even been asked about my full name or contact details. It's been on my conditions. The obvious lack of anonymity has always been my nr1 restricting issue when dealing with my psychologist and other (social) authorities over the years. Sure, I could have named the guy(s) making my life miserable when there was still time to do it. The stupid decision not to do it was mine, no one else's, and I blame no one but myself for not doing it. However watching the wheels of justice kick in has never been my goal. It still isn't. The prospect of a ending up in a court case and have everything out in the open for my friends and parents to find out every one and single detail, everything I was so ashamed of, did scare the shit out of me. It still does. And it stopped me. All I only wanted was to have my life back, even after they finally left me alone. I thought if I just turned the other way it would all eventually fade away. Boy was I wrong. That never became the case, not even close. Still thirty fucking years later they've been around turning my sleep into nightmares, poisoning my life, infecting the steps I try take. They've been haunting my mind pushing me into paths I don't want to walk. Maybe I'm the one letting them, I realize that, but up until now I haven't found the necessary strength to put the weight on my leg and kick them in their pervy crutches and tell them to fuck off and claim my life back.

I've decided to do just that. I have to. Or else I will die this way.

Big words coming from the once disillusioned skinny brown-haired kid. The one that together with the chubby and hopelessly clumsy kids always were amongst the humiliated last to be picked when class was divided into teams at PE-classes.

As I am just looking at myself and my heart is hammering through my chest I just can't believe the luck I've been having taking me this far, taking me to this position in life. I realize that very same luck can run out at any minute. Maybe it just did. That's why in my mind I take a step towards the ones that has been possessing me and whack them and I mean whack them hard on their faces. I see their hands fly up and are immediately covered in blood. I take a small step back, turn around and leave them there, spitting teeth moaning and shouting.

In the end of the day it's me or them, isn't it? Well I'm not letting them have this one.

Much Love
Daniel

5 on the Fifth - Final chapter

2011-12-04T20:05:00.002+01:00

Stephen over at The State Of The Nation UK has been running the brilliant '5 on the Fifth' open photo fest for quite some time, and being a part of it has been both a privilege and true pleasure. I guess it's time to move on, Stephen has announced this to be the final go and a new (yet to be revealed) challenge are on its way. In this last run the suggested theme has been chosen to be "Winter Weekend"

Yeah, what do to on a winter weekend so far not looking like winter at all (cheers for that!), why not stay indoors and visit the local music school's annual concert? Said and done, I did.

- click on the image to visit Stephen's blog and find all other photographers -

Focused on the sheets!

And whatta you know. A traditional Lucia procession appeared a few days early. Shouldn't they be here on the December 13? Ahh, whatever.

Time for some rock. A cool bassist doing his thing.

Then, change of band. Two younger musicians entered the stage to blow the roof off the church.

And as a Grand Finale, the brass band's trombonist tries to set a new standard in playing his lungs out.

That was my 5 on the fifth. Thanks for watching, and kudos to Stephen for arranging them all! Now, go check out the rest of the contributions, alright? Just follow This link!

Much Love
Daniel

A surprise for me and big tears of joy for her

2011-12-03T22:25:00.007+01:00

Went to our local church today. The local music school, in which The Kid has been a student for years, was having its ending of this autumn term. By tradition that is celebrated with a massive concert and show-off. All sorts of music and bands was performing. There were classic pieces on both guitar and piano. A luciatåg appeared (a few days early). Some violin and flute, the brass band (including TK) and two bands doing a rock/pop song each. Of course, I was filled with parents joy (and pride!) hearing TK perform, and it was also fun to hear the songs he's been practising and struggling with at home put in context and arranged in a clever way.

And for this event the church, its just enough-sized stage and good sound equipment was just perfect.

As the crowed was gathering and I had snatched myself a good seat and waited for it all to start, suddenly M, my friend from work, by coincidence suddenly sat down beside me. She was like "You??" and I went "You??" as we starred at each other, both just as surprised. It turned out her son, the kid I have told you some about, recently had started in that same music school and this concert was his first ever public performance. Later when "his" band was on stage M had big tears falling down from her eyes (I know that feeling alright)

"- After all struggles, finally something amazing", she told me as her son played. Maybe he wasn't quite yet a virtuoso but he gave his heart for the music. It was really fun to see him like that after all the bad news I've been told lately. What more improvement can anyone ask for?

So yeah, today was quite a surprise.

Much Love
Daniel

Soon to come: 5 on the Fifth. Last one!

2011-12-03T11:10:00.000+01:00

So it's soon the fifth again, this means another go on Stephen Chapman's brilliant photo fest that's been running for quite a while. Stephen has announced this will be the last 5on5th but don't you despair, a new challenge are on its way.

Anyhoooo, don't miss take part in the Grand Finale! Suggested theme is Winter Weekend.

Much Love
Daniel

Stuff annoying (?) me

2011-12-02T20:19:00.003+01:00

Was going to list 9 annoying things. Like the noisy alarm waking me up in the morning or so... but hey, let's go positive instead! Here are 9 things making me happy:

... Walking home after work on a Friday makes me happy. Especially when I realize I have two full days off ahead and I can stay up and sleep as long I want.

... Finding the cats come running towards me when I walk through the door is really an awesome sight.

... The lack of snow and absence of real winter, ahh! <3

... Great music. Can't help it, music is a major part of my life.

... Friends making me laugh. Doesn't matter if it's in real life or on the phone, it definitely lifts my mood for hours.

... When the family is doing well, feeling well and the teamwork is running smoothly, it's a true joy. We don't have to argue or nag. All efforts can be spent on having fun and enjoying family life instead of putting out fires and stop pointless fights.

... A glass (or three) of a really good red wine.

... Travel! I probably spend too much money on this... but what the heck. Love it!

...When The Gf smiles at me in her special way. That makes everything bad instantly go away.

Makes me happy

Have a great weekend!

Much Love
Daniel

Knees and vampires. And going bored too, I guess

2011-12-01T18:21:00.005+01:00

The Gf went to see her doc regarding the knee issue today. She soon returned with a medical certificate for a few more weeks, but then she's hopefully ready to report back to work. Obviously all the running around on crutches and the pretty much daily physiotherapy has soon done it's thing, like it was supposed to do. It hasn't been fun to see her in pain, but she's a full-blood fighter. That, combined with sheer determination and heaps of god damnit has definitely secured a reasonably rapid recovery. A recovery way faster than first predicted.
But I think she's bored of staying home this much. Being a highly social person, used to (and desperately in the need of) meeting and talking, I suspect the immobilization has been the worse issue to deal with. Probably more painful than that aching knee, from the look of our latest telephone bills I realize that. But it's okay, haven't mentioned it. No need to do it. Seen from the positive side, all those recorded random TV-shows and films have now been watched and deleted making me have tons of space to record my stuff. I just watched her watch the latest Twilight-film on a questionable copy originating from some source I don't want to know anything about. As I have my computer in the same room as the TV I couldn't help myself watch it too, on and off.

All I can say is; My God. What a load of junk! Seriously.

We saw the first Twilight-film together at the cinema when it was running a few years ago. I thought it was so-so (now I really did my best not to axe it completely! 'So-so' was the most positive criticism I could think of), definitely not my cup of tea. Way too much fantasy for me. But hey, sometimes we have to make sacrifices for the greater good, right? The rest of those films has been carefully avoided though... or at most like today; randomly watched over her shoulder when seen at home. That's enough for me. Maybe I'm just too empathetic dysfunctional to appreciate that... syrupy mumbo jumbo crap. I don't know.

Or maybe I'll simply repeat what The Kid just said with a big grin on his face: "Vampires sucks!"

He's definitely spot on. At least, let's agree on that!

Much Love
Daniel

I'm not completely lost, am I?

2011-11-30T15:54:00.002+01:00

So, yesterday's post (which was a repost, sorry for that) may have been a bit weird and probably appeared somewhat out of context. But let me explain. I recently did some digging in the dusty attics of my hard drive and found that text... and more coming from the same source to be honest. I wrote that particular piece over a year ago, but from the notes put down in the original word document I know it's based on stuff written in my contemporary diary which took us back to the early eighties. If you're curious, or if you possibly just feel like gloat in someone else's misery, there's a continuation to that story HERE and HERE.

I used to keep a diary for years. My first one was actually a school project when I was about 12, and somehow I kind of liked that way of express my inner thoughts and ideas on life, and kept on writing. I have them all saved, of course hidden in a box in a reasonably safe place, and sometimes when I'm alone I have them out. Accompanied by a glass of red I tend to end up nostalgic beyond what's reasonable. It's like a time machine really. Even though some of the stuff isn't too fun to be reminded about, it's so easy to go totally absorbed. All the cute naivety, all hopes and dreams, weird reasoning, pointless anger and unanswered love. Oh well. When I stopped doing my daily diaries I was well past my twenties. So yeah, there's quite a collection hidden in that box. Who knows, maybe when I'm long gone my kids will find them?

Now (and finally I hear some of you sigh), we're at the point of this post.

I would so like to reach out to that kid/youth/young man sitting in his room writing (yes, in the old days we didn't have computers, we actually used pen and paper!) and tell him things will eventually turn out quite alright. I admit that, despite whining being an important part of my life, I'm doing okay. Really. The contrast to some of the stuff found in those diaries is huge. Almost painful, like they're set on another planet. In another dimension.
And I find myself here, today, actually feeling content with life. Of course, there are always issues with lack of money or someone catching a bad cold or mean people showing up at work. Screw that. Life is larger than stupid colds and annoying bills. I have someone to love, someone that loves me. I have my kids I love way more than life. Haven't had a downer in quite a long time (even though I still medicate), I think my shortened schedule at work has got a big thing to do with it. When I come home I may be tired from going up early, but I don't feel exhausted and worn down any more. The time I save each day, which is 1.5 - 2hrs, I have invested those hours in myself. I work out depending on season. I'm more present at home. Or like today; having personal quality time (whatever that means, but it's not wanking! LOL)

So cutting my hours (and unfortunately, consequently; my salary) has turned out to be one of my best decisions in a long long time. Amazing, isn't it?

Finally a good decision!

Much Love
Daniel

The horror remains

2011-11-29T16:50:00.000+01:00

Just wanted to get away from it all. Where? Don't know. It doesn't matter. Whatever. Away. Somewhere else, something better. But is there really anything better waiting elsewhere? What if everything is the same; The places may change but the horror turns out to be one of those constants of life?

There was a lot of time to go back over those thoughts. The train isn't fast. We're leaving south from the city. Over the bridges, crossing the lakes, away from it all. Away from them all. The rhythmic sound from the wheels hitting the tracks is almost hopeful, there's a new start coming. Almost pessimistic, don't think this will change anything. Nothing will ever even change, nothing will stop, it never will. On my cassette player, The Clash, Spanish Bombs. I'm creating my own world by looking out the window. Leaning my head against that window, looking out. Farms passing by, horses, cities, trees, lakes, people without faces, no one going nowhere, just randomly passing. Trying to figure out their names, their thoughts, their dreams. Now everything will change, we're leaving it all behind for something else. For nothing at all.

Hours later, suddenly awakened from my daydreaming... or was I dreaming?... a change of trains. We're in the middle of nowhere. If there is a hell, this must be it. There's absolutely nothing! Hell, a place where we lose ourselves, and this is it. What's here to keep me stick to myself? The loudspeaker at the platform shout out mysterious messages in a foreign language, so it sounds. The dialect has brutally changed for the worse. Then, a little later, a headlight in the distance, slowly approaching. With an indescribable noise the train we are waiting for run over the tracks and switches and stop in front of us with breaks screaming in protest.

We're not going far, I'm told as the train starts. Don't make yourself too comfortable that means. How could I? This is definitely not the major line, comfort isn't included in these trains, it never has, it never will. This is transport for those in need, those on the run, nothing else. Not much later, fifteen minutes?... not far away after a long sweeping curve the train signals and breaks hard; the first stop. Our stop. Time to get off. We grab our gear and head for the exit. At the platform; nothing. A few people, all busy saying hello or waving goodbye, no one taking any notice of us. Nothing else. On some distance; houses, a small town? Probably. The doors are slam shut behind us and the train picks up speed, leaving us here. Suit yourself, I tried to warn you not to get off here. I can hear the last coach whisper as it passes.
At the parking lot beside the station building a taxi is waiting. We ask, yes it's ours. A little later we're on our way, our few bags in the trunk. Maybe we could have made it by foot, but I guess someone decided a good impression was needed, so taxi it is.

It isn't too far. Up the road, over the railroad crossing, through the wind-swept pine woods. Just where the woods ends and the sand dunes takes over; there it is. Our house. Not really what I had expected. I'm not sure what I had expected but this sure wasn't it. A panel painted red. Two floors. A driveway lined by junipers. A lawn cared for beyond exaggeration. Inside, on the top floor, my room, facing the ocean. Can't spot the sea from here but if I open the window and listen carefully I can hear the waves breaking. In my headphones, New Order, Procession, on my bed, my own world is blocking everything else out. There is nothing there, it's only me... and nothing else. Everyone else, them, far away.

A few weeks later, back in school. A new school. The horror remains, the horror is all back in new shape. The outsider. Everyone's eyes on me, I will never escape this, I get that part alright. Point taken.

An escape that fails
Makes the wounds that time won't heal alone
Alone, alone, alone.

Much Love
Daniel

Vaya con dios amigo

2011-11-28T17:54:00.003+01:00

Monday. The autistic week has begun. Don't know why that is but routines makes me feel safe in some weird way. I know what to do, how much time it roughly takes, I can plan ahead. Plan my day in my PDA. Yes, I still use one. I know smartphones has taken over, yet I love my Palm TX. What to do when it eventually breaks (beside start crying in some inconsolable way), have no idea! Those can't be bought any longer. Now that's a shame.

So while the robotic vacuum was set free to do its stuff (which probably includes chasing the cats around) I went swimming. That's on my Monday to-do list. And it's been a definite change in climate the last 12hrs. The air has gone colder and way dryer, I'm afraid the snow isn't far away now. Actually, The Young Man claimed to have spotted some snow falling this morning. But I suspect he said so just to see me panic... and I guess I did just that. The trip to the swimming bath became the reluctant première for my winter jacket for this season. Ugh.

View from the bus

I almost like the bus ride just as much as the swimming itself. It only takes about 15 minutes, still I find it very relaxing just to sit down for awhile and do nothing. Nothing beside watch the landscape pass by and listen to music. On my smartphone, yes I have one. I bet a smartphone is a complete waste on me, still I have one. Today I didn't opt for any of my playlists, I just hit shuffle. And this song came up. I had totally forgotten I even had it, even more I had forgotten how great it is. Damn! Electric Six - Germans in Mexico.

Brilliant, isn't it? Okay, I think that's it. No more rambling nonsense for today. Take care everyone.

Much Love
Daniel

I was totally ignored in a most rude way

2011-11-27T14:48:00.005+01:00

So I'm back home. The house was still in position, not turned upsidedown or knocked off its foundation. Well I wasn't worried leaving it to the boys for a weekend mainly because I trust them. But also because a) we live in the lamest neighbourhood ever in which nothing even remotely thrilling never happens, and b) we have smoke detectors sending me text messages if they're set off.
The Gf and I had a nice cruise however she complained the crossing over the Baltic ocean was too rough. A bit wavy, I admit that, but that didn't affect me. Maybe I need to grab on to something not to lose my balance but I never go sick. A rolling ship is like riding a night train, you're tossed around in bed, and I find that almost comforting and comfy in some weird twisted way. Anyhoo. Here are a few images from Helsinki (which is the capital of Finland if you already didn't know that hard piece of fact):

It was completely dark when we left our home city so there are no intelligible images from that event. However the following morning after a rough ride with the overnight ferry; The crappy weather at least provided us with a beautiful sunrise.

Locals out for a ride

City view. No snow, thank God. Can't help it, I like trams. It makes a city look a little more sophisticated. Or possibly crammed. Can't decide which.

Some of the locals totally refused to speak to me. No matter how I tried to address this guy he kept on ignoring me and starred away with a pale-looking scarred ugly face. How rude. Thanks a lot! So now you're on the Internet looking stupid. Whattabout that?? Ha!!

Despite that last little screw up of communications we had a splendid 21st anniversary and a couple of really tasty meals. Now, after an even rougher ride back home reality is calling.

Much Love
Daniel

An exploding bomb, a spy and a cake

2011-11-24T16:57:00.016+01:00

Days tend to go fast, don't they? I know, that's an adult thing to say. When I was a kid my mother used to say similar phrases and I was thinking "...how the hell can time go faster when you're older??" That logic (or lack thereof) didn't make sense to me at all. Little did I know I would later (like now) experience the same thing. Sometimes the days tend to go so fast that with a little distance everything I have done the last couple of days has been blended into something looking like a chaotic soup in which time isn't relevant. Or at least; completely confused.

Maybe this is a sign of me living a boring life, almost organized to fit an autistic. Or maybe I'm going seriously old? My kids claim the latter anyway, but I think they're only saying that to somehow squeeze more allowance out of me. Ha! Good luck. I'm not that absent-minded!!

To beat those mean kids and show them my mind is still (reasonable) intact, here's a list of stuff that has happened in my life the latest days.

My dear employer presented the result of the annual complete all-staff reschedule in which the organisation has been tightened *just a little* more. Who knew that was even possible? As a bi-result of that detonating bomb; Company mutiny got closer. Whatever, same thing happened last year. Just tons of whining. No one in the management was thrown overboard and fed to the sharks this year either. Some of my workmates got lucky (and happy) and were given good hours, some not and threatened to quit on the spot. Which in the end they don't. No news, really. Unfortunately. Tuesday!

Joined The Gf, who's still on crutches with a knee issue, and helped her with the weekly grocery shopping. Tuesday, too!

The Young Man got happy. He was told he had been given the position as leader at the upcoming summer camp which is partly set abroad. Tuesday, once more!

As a school project to visit workplaces The Kid spied on and followed me at work the entire day and took notes of my (wrong?)doings. He also had some tricky questions about gender equality and company policies regarding it, I arranged for him to meet my boss and it was quite amusing to see him grill the guy in charge. Fun day, even though I had to pay for a pizza to fuel TK. Wednesday!

Cake. No mutiny. Wednesday.

In the afternoon it was announced that my company had won the bidding of a 12-year government contract, worth more than 11 billion kr. I guess I won't have to join the lines of unemployed for awhile, unless if I screw up big times that is. The mutiny instantly blew away and the boss bought cake for us all to celebrate. Wednesday!

Changed to winter tires on my trailer, despite winter so far seems to be miles away. But I don't trust that not to change. While I was on it I also gave the car a good and needed wash and discovered its real colour wasn't grey. It's white. Whatta you know. It got so shiny it almost hurt my eyes to look at it. Problem; Can't use the car now. It's too clean for the dirty roads and rain. Crap. Wednesday!

Extremely tired in the evening. Forced myself to stay awake to see one of my fav shows on TV. Then, crashed to bed and entered a coma lasting till next day. Wednesday, embarrassingly early

Saxophone. No rest. Thursday.

Woke up still tired. Went swimming after work all the same. When I eventually got home TK and his friend K was there practising saxophone and trumpet. My tired head didn't find that amusing at all but knowing they soon had to leave for their mutual music class I endured. Thursday.

(You see, I'm good at this ain't I?)

Now, the future. Celebrating an anniversary (the 21th one to be precise) me and The Gf is off this weekend on a cruise on which we probably will spend way too much money. But it's fun doing stuff together so I guess it's worth it. Oh well. Better pack soon (tonight) because we're off tomorrow afternoon. Friday

Impressed over my memory eh. So what do you say... good luck kids?? LOL

Much Love
Daniel

Meanwhile at the swimming bath

2011-11-21T17:13:00.001+01:00

Today straight after work, just after quickly showing up at home clearing the path a bit for the robotic vacuum and setting it free, I headed for the swimming bath. I don't know why but the monotony in swimming appeals to me in some autistic way. Don't have to focus that much, I basically only keep count on the distance. That makes my mind wonder away in weird directions trying to solve all sorts of small and major issues. I kind of like that... until I realize I have no idea about the distance at all, I have been totally absorbed in the thinking process. Count laps, how hard can it be? Oh well. Later back home I found the vacuum done and parked in its base, charging and ready for the next mission. And no, the support group hasn't answered yet. I'm nervously keeping an eye on my mail.

Much Love
Daniel

Maybe I just committed a huge mistake

2011-11-20T19:14:00.001+01:00

Strengthened by finally telling someone about my childhood abuse, in this case my friend C at our trip last March, I've been struggling in writing my story down. It all started with me writing him a letter to explain what I couldn't say, what I had been to drunk to say. Then when I did some searching on the net I found a local support group for adult abuse victims. On their website a couple of useful advices in how to move on was described, one of them was to write the story down. Not necessarily to have it published but to have trapped anger and words out. And that's what I have been doing for quite a long time, on and off. So I've been writing and balancing words to stay fair and correct. Struggling. Deleted it all at least twice. Out of shame and pain I think. But last weekend I got past it all and finally came to the point when I felt I was done. This is not in any sketchy terms, it's in the way the images and sequences appears in my head. Probably a bit screwed up, but that's how I relive it all. Without going overly graphic. No need for that.

I decided to leave my story aside for some time. And this weekend after gaining a little distance to the writing project I reread it all. I had chills right down my spine. It was like reliving it all. Did I really write this?

Today I wrote a mail to the support group, attached my story and asked to join them. Can't believe I seriously did it. And no. I'm not drunk or on drugs.

Much Love
Daniel

An alien in the house. A changeling? Or maybe not

2011-11-19T11:52:00.002+01:00

The last couple of days has been weird. And not that particularly fun. The Young Man has been acting so strange, arrogant, almost rude in a way not at all like him. If possible we normally gather around dinner table at night for at least one social moment each day. It's nothing special. Just a meal and a conversation going in any direction, deep low high or highly random depending on mood and subjects popping up in our heads.

Well this week hasn't been like this. Whenever TYM has been able to participate around the table he's been so damn reluctant to join in. I'd say almost hostile. We have asked him stuff. About school, about the current subject circulating, anything to have him take part. "Isn't that on the school homepage...?" "Dunno" A shrug on his shoulders. Don't ask. That's how I interpret his not so generous response. Maybe there's something big bothering him, I don't know. In private situations I've been trying to gently approach the subject, but the door I tried to open to the inner him was soon slam shut and nailed, and it was made very clear he didn't want me to come close to it. Whatever it is.

There has been times this week when I have been just seconds from snapping at his arrogant rude acting. I mean, I try to care without intrude. What have I done to deserve that response? It really annoys me so much. But it's not personal. Against me. I get that much. There has been moments when TYM has come to me and asked stuff, help him out with details in his homework he's been stuck at or so. And I have, without dig further and risk destroying the moment as it was. Maybe that was wrong of me but I just didn't feel like it. Didn't feel like leaving him with the feeling that I'm constantly on his throat.

The Gf who is more direct and less locked up emotional than I am has argued a lot with TYM this week, trust me on that one. And her ending up in a shitty mood because of it affects me too. Obviously. It set off my headaches which definitely has decreased my supply of pills.

But this isn't about me.

I hope there isn't anything major concerning TYM about to happen, something yet to hear about. That has me to go worried. But maybe I know the reason.

This morning (it's Saturday over here) The Young Man left to be a co-leader for a weekend camp. He's been attaining courses in leadership for a couple of years, and now he has been asked to step in. Step up I guess. He's also been offered a position at an upcoming summer camp which is apparently set abroad. He recently asked me for permission to sign up for it (which he doesn't have to as he's nowadays legally an adult), so maybe he asked me for my view? Anyway. If I put myself in his position I guess I probably would start crawl out of my skin of nervousness.

Yeah, maybe that's it. Hope so.

Much Love
Daniel

The most hypocritical syrupiest crap ever made

2011-11-17T19:20:00.015+01:00

At work I often find myself listening to the radio. I'm not completely absorbed by it (for some mysterious reason I really can't understand my employer persists in demanding me to do this thing called... work. Why's that when I have such great time drinking coffee and chit-chatting with my workmates?) but the radio is running in the background as distraction to have me occupied when things goes boring or monotonous. But not today. The reception was way too crappy, all my radio picked up was static. Or songs mixed with static. No matter how I tried to tune fix the antenna whatever, nothing did the trick. Really annoying. But suddenly and much later, finally something I did helped! And what happens, what's the first I hear?? The song I hate the most. Dexys Midnight Runners - Come On Eileen. God, I hate it so much.

That had me to think. What more songs do I really dislike? I mean, r-e-a-l-l-y dislike. Here's a list I came up with (with links if you want to ruin your day and ears). Just don't come blame me, you've been warned.

First up and by now not that surprising: Dexys Midnight Runners - Come On Eileen I don't know if it's the bloody annoying vocals or that awful sliding change in tempo. No matter what. HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE this song. With passion.

Katrina and the Waves - Walkin' On Sunshine Yuck. Like a visit to the gym. On a Monday morning. When having an epic hangover. Don't you just want to kill the personal trainer? And erase this song from the face of the earth? Her smile in that video is so damn annoying, is it okay if I punch her in the face??

Akon - I Just Had Sex I mean, what is this?? Why on earth would I want to hear about Akon's latest achievements, about guys bragging over their latest lay? In detail. This song only leaves me with one feeling. Disgust. And a wish for life-long celibacy.

Donna Summer - Love To Love You Baby This must be the lowest of all lows. And even lower. It's really disturbing listening to this song, like watching porn having the TV covered with a blanket not to be busted by mom or dad. Who the hell said music was better before?

Radiohead - Karma Police Even though I like some of Thom Yorke's songs this one is too much. How all this whining shit ever hit the charts completely beats me.

James Blunt - You're Beautiful OMG! This must be the most hypocritical syrupiest crap ever made! Tons and loads of cliché's. Makes me seriously sick. "Cause I've got a plan". I bet you do, Mr. Blunt. I guess you want to make a million bucks, fast.

Luckily there's so much great music to make up for this. The crap above is probably only made to make us (okay; me) appreciate the rest so much more. Right? This is my favourite right now. Deportees, Islands and Shores.

Studio version Here. Simply brilliant, isn't it?

Well that's it for now. Till next time.

Much Love
Daniel

Yeah, why?

2011-11-15T20:17:00.007+01:00

The week is slowly moving forward. Like I explained some time ago, once Tuesday is the rear mirror this passing of days sort of picks up speed. And I don't mind. As long it slows down a bit when the weekend is here I'm absolutely fine with it.

My friend M hasn't showed up at work. Not yesterday, not today. When I asked around I soon found out she had called in sick late Sunday night. Knowing her troublesome family situation, and especially given it was after a weekend which she has told me is the time of the week when her husband is even more in to the bottle than usually, I couldn't help myself from getting worried. I dropped her a text with the innocent "How's it going? Miss you at work", a little later she texed me back and stated she and the youngest daughter (4yo) had caught a cold and she thanked me for the concern.

True or not, it's impossible to say. I just could be true. I mean, anyone having children knows how easy and fast they can go sick. But it could also be her sitting at home with a black eye, too embarrassed to go outside. Or something completely different she even don't want to talk about. I guess, beside giving her the chance to tell me (or hint something), offering our place as emergency shelter if needed (hope we'll never get there) and being there as a friend to talk to there's not much else I can do. Or is it?

I'm trying to see this from the only perspective I know, that is my own. What I felt long ago when I was deep down. What I most needed. Think that was someone to talk to, someone offering me support and somewhere else to go. I never had that, think it would have made a hell of a difference..
I hope I'm not completely off here when I'm offering her this little. But I can't just storm in like some freaking commando and raid her home only because of my sheer suspicions, can I? She's an adult, has to signal for me to step in. She has to take a step herself. If not for her own sake, for her children.

So why all this? The husband is (about to go) an alcoholic. The 13yo son had a mental breakdown (1, 2). The 15yo (16?) daughter don't want to stay in the house. And M is more or less a wreck trying cope and put out fires.
Apparently the husband comes from a family of heavy drinkers, that might be a clue to understand his situation. But that alone can't be the complete answer for the mess that family is in. M is also carrying a massive load of self-assumed responsibilities, she's convinced she has to be the one personally making sure the three kids will bring their proper gear to school practice whatever. What might happen if she don't I don't know. I have the expression she believe the kids will basically show up like naked in school or so. She definitely doesn't trust the husband in this, but she hasn't given him the chance to step up either.

We have talked about it over lunches. I have told her my view of bringing up kid which I guess is based very much on trust and responsibilities given. Maybe that's why my kids does their own laundry and hers not? Helping out in the kitchen and run errants, and not.

Me and The Gf went grocery shopping today. The weekly visit to the hypermarket to top up our supplies with all sorts of necessaries to make two teenage boys and their parents stay alive for yet another week. Three+ massive bags stuffed with God knows what. As we got closer to home The Gf called from her mobile and asked for assistance, so when we pulled up on our driveway TYM and TK was waiting. Almost even before we had stopped (seriously) they had the boot open and the bags were swiftly carried to the kitchen and started to unpack. This was probably done fast so they could quickly return to their computers. So what? Fast or not. They did it.

I'm not telling this to brag but to illustrate the difference in participation. This is nothing that hasn't come without struggles out of the blue, trust me, sometimes we still have to act annoying nagging parents to have basic chores carried out. But it's my absolute belief that children will grow both as persons and individuals if shown trust and given responsibilities. Of course responsibilities depending on age and skills, I'm not saying I expect a 5yo to cook supper or repair the car. But maybe to water the flowers or feed the pets?
I have a feeling M doesn't follow me here. For some reason it seems like she's scared to give her children chores to do. Maybe she believe they'll fail and in the end she'll end up doing it herself? (But if they're not allowed to fail, how will they then ever learn?).

M's son (the same age as TK) is having a rough period. When he broke down in tears and run off into the night things got seriously serious and pieces suddenly started to fit together in a scary way. It took them hours to find the boy, and when they finally did he was still crying and full of dark thoughts. By coincidence (?) the boy had at an earlier occasion left his room with a chat still open on his computer, when M and the dad found it they saw the son had been chatting with someone (for them) unknown about suicide, something the boy denied when he was confronted and didn't want to discuss further. So after the breakdown the boy was more or less directly taken to a youth crises centre to see a counsellor and put on suicide watch.

As the title to this post says. Why? Well I think it might be a combination of it all. Maybe (but I sincerely hope not) the boy has been/is a subject of abuse and is reacting on it. Or (I rather suspect this) maybe his somewhat carefree/spoiled upbringing is now about to take its toll. As he's now going older the expectations from school is increasing, and if he's not used to dealing with demands put on himself... maybe this is what might happen? To the counsellor he has been complaining about the pressure that's on him, this has lead to the advice to take all demands away and create an easier situation. A good intention maybe, but what happens? If he did just a little at home prior to this, now he does nothing at all. Of course he uses it, he's a lazy teenager (sorry all teenagers out there!), which means even more load on M. He also seems to be hanging out with people not good for him, and maybe there are some personal issues as well. I don't know.

But what I do know is that the dad's alcohol consumption and his lazy way of not helping out in the daily struggles definitely is straining the entire family to the breaking point. M is pulling an enormous load, I just wonder how long she will cope. Maybe, when looking at my situation and comparing to her own, she believe my life to be perfect.

(After re-reading what I just wrote I realize it might look like I'm blaming M. I'm not! I support her to 100 percent and I indeed wish her the best. If there's anyone I blame then it's her husband. She's on and off been talking about leaving him but I understand that's a tough decision to make, especially when she's economically depending on him. Maybe she's hoping for things to somehow miraculously improve. I doubt that will ever happen. But as I previously said, I can't crash in and rescue her. She has to take that first [and major] step for herself. Until then I can only offer her support and someone to talk to)

Something else now to lighten the subject up a little. Two more images from today.

Daybreak. Still no fog. Woo-hoo!

Moon by day

That's it. Sorry for the long post. And sorry if my grammar turned worse than ever because of a long day (woke up at 4am) Still, congratulations if you made it all the way down here.

Much Love
Daniel

It's gone!

2011-11-13T10:28:00.001+01:00

Woke up this morning and realized the horror film-like fog that's been covering my area for days (weeks?) was gone. Wow.
Or maybe phew?

From the 1957 film Night of the Demon

I was *almost* about to go worried for my personal safety. Who knows what creatures might be lurking out there, just waiting to snatch a meal ;)

Much relieved Love
Daniel

The moment is near, the moment of truth

2011-11-12T22:53:00.000+01:00

Sometimes I'm just damn lucky. Tonight I was going nostalgic listening to old favourite tunes using youtube and sources like that. Yeah. Saturday night. I'm a hellowa party animal, ain't I? Some I found, some I didn't. Then, just to try my luck, I googled one of my top favs from the 80's. The Sound. Unfortunately I lost those records under weird circumstances. I guess that stupidity is inexcusable, still I did. Guess what? I soon struck gold. I found a blog having all albums (and more) for download. Amazing. I can't even get it. My nostalgia will probably turn ecstatic tonight.

The Sound - Judgement (live version)

Much Nostalgic Love
Daniel

Your life is perfect, she said

2011-11-11T19:45:00.002+01:00

Friday. Finally. That was probably my facial expression as I made my way home after work today. It's hard to figure out why I was that exhausted, I mean I'm nowadays not even working full time. But of course, the hours I'm awake are still the same, that hasn't changed. The only thing that's changed is what I'm filling my days with. Nowadays the me-stuff has tipped the balance for my favour (hooray for me, or so). Still I'm drained when the weekend arrives. Weird, right?

Lunch break was spent with my workmate M. You remember her? The husband with a drinking problem? The son (same age as The Kid) that for reasons yet to be discovered had a mental breakdown? Yep, that M.
Yesterday she had to pay the social services a visit after the eldest daughter (she's 15 I think) had told her student counsellor some about the issues at home. Of course things got reported to the authorities and M and the husband (separately) was asked to explain their situation and themselves. That, on top of the son having issues with himself and is falling behind in school. She reported about that meeting in a surprisingly open manner. M wasn't happy, trust me.

For some reason I told her about my freak out moment over The Young Man's slacking of chores yesterday. She just looked at me. "You live a perfect life, you know that?" I was like WTF and didn't agree at all. But maybe, when everything is put in perspective I am. At least when you're comparing my life to the mess she's stuck in. Wish I could help her fix stuff but I don't know how, at least not without becoming a part of it all. I have already offered her our home as a shelter if she/they need to quickly get away from the husband. You can call from the car while you're coming, I told her. To which she thanked me and started crying. Crap, this really breaks my heart. What it does to her I cannot imagine...

I managed to create some mess of my own this morning, but the scale of this is just fractional in comparison. You see, I had completely missed my dear employers seasonal reschedule. I showed up in (...what I believed to be in...) time and started to do my stuff like any other Friday. By sheer luck the first hours hadn't been changed at all, but then things started to deviate and it all got so damn confusing. Whatever I tried to do, it just didn't match. Eventually I had to ask my boss what it was all about. When he realized my mistake he laughed out loud before he explained and asked me to check out the notice board a little better next time. Oh thank you Mr Perfect. I'm glad I at least can amuse Your Excellence on a day foggy like take from a horror film.

Friday. Finally.

Have a great weekend.

Much Love
Daniel

I lost that argument, didn't I?

2011-11-10T20:11:00.003+01:00

Maybe I'm just tired.

Could feel a distinct drop in mood today. Yet I forced myself to visit the public bath after work for a good swim. I honestly didn't feel like going. Chill in my sofa, that felt like the ultimate way to spend the afternoon. But I know that after a little exercise the sofa is even more comfortable... and my bed later on? Oh, like heaven.
So that's why I went and did my stuff despite the initial instinct reluctance. I guess it's not much more to say about that (yes, the sofa was splendid indeed when I got home).

Soon after my arrival The Kid and his friend K showed up, happy as ever. Laughing and noisy as ever. By now I'm used to them and can ignore most of it away in my mind. Like filter it away. Or close available doors between the noise producers and myself. Still I must admit today I found them *a little* extra annoying. But I let that pass. And after grabbing a bunch of sandwiches they shortly left again for their music practice so the peace and quiet in the sofa I was longing for was once again in reach.

...momentarily

A little later The Young Man came home. Already yesterday he had made me irritated by escaping his agreed chores at home for an highly important hangout with his friends. I have realized he sometimes sneaks off when he think he has the chance. That itself is damn annoying and it shows a not so nice side of his character. We have talked about that before but yesterday I just didn't bother argue with him. But I made sure no one else did the chores for him either. And this morning before going to school, of course he was too tired and skipped them once again. Well, so did we. As you by now probably realize, this afternoon stuff to do was piling up for him, to say the least. I'm not letting him get away with this that easily.

Back home TYM wasn't showing any obvious signs to step up and finally complete his tasks. Instead a nice and relaxing moment at the computer was something he apparently was looking forward to. In a way I understand him but somewhere a line has to be drawn, right? I had to tell him. But before I was given the chance he suddenly asked me if I had booked the train tickets for his weekend visit at his friend outside town.
What?? I was expected to do chores for him??!! I instantly snapped and I found myself just nanoseconds from telling him to take a fucking walk there! Of course that resulted in a short but loud argument between the two of us. A completely stupid and pointless one. But the line was drown. Definitely.

Luckily I didn't go rude and tell him what was on my mind. But the sheer notion that crossed my stupid brain for a fraction of a second made me really embarrassed of myself. I managed to calm down and realize someone had to be mature enough to take the first step down from the barricades. What could be a better way for that than having supper? And a good talk over it? So, we did. Beefsteak and onions. And potatoes.

Now the flooding bin has been taken care of. So also the cram-full dishwasher. The car tyres from the change to winter dittos last weekend has been cleaned and put in store. Clothes put to dry pretty much everywhere has been collected. And the train tickets are booked and printed. Everyone's happy again.

I still feel a bit ashamed and I have apologised for yelling at him. That loss of temper was my bad. However I told him my complaints was still valid, yet poorly presented. The Young Man agreed to that.

Hmm... I'm not sure which part that last sentence he agreed in. Oh well. I lost that one, right? 0-1

Much Love
Daniel

Before the quake

2011-11-09T20:06:00.000+01:00

Amazing piece of footage. Scary traffic though. Wonder how many was run over each day?

San Francisco, 1906. Apparently shot just days before the quake.

Much Love
Daniel

I saw the light

2011-11-08T16:36:00.000+01:00

After a weekend that was basically passed with a *whoosh* I just suddenly found myself located at a Tuesday afternoon. Really weird. Yesterday, where did it go? And last night?? I remember punching my pillow to make it fluffy enough when I crashed to bed, then my alarm rung this morning. Between that? Have no idea. Probably deep coma.

Tuesday, isn't that the lamest day of the week? Mondays (this may sound sick, I know) are alright(-ish) in my world. I'm able to meet some cool and funny workmates after the weekend, there are always silly slash hilarious topics to discus over the coffee break and lunch that makes the day pass reasonably fast. Tuesday... seriously, what's good with a Tuesday? Nothing at all, right? But when Tuesday is passed, woo-hoo, soon weekend again!

It's alright for a Tuesday...

Okay. One good thing with this Tuesday anyway. For the first time in a week or so I was able to spot the sun. The weather seems to have been stuck in gloomy mood, maybe it was just reset for a new period of complete grey dull-looking overcast? Well, as long it keeps the snow away I'm happy.

Much Love
Daniel

ps. Oh, another good thing. The sunset an hour ago was pretty spectacular. For a Tuesday.

ps2. The previous post wasn't in any way meant to be offensive. I apologize if some of you saw it that way. I still think the images are humours though... and sadly, judging from some of the people I've met over the years, somewhat true. Don't worry. My country has a funny view of the outside world, too.

A lesson in geography

2011-11-06T18:32:00.002+01:00

Maybe this one is so old, I don't know. Well I hadn't seen it before my mother sent it to me. Quite funny. And who knows, maybe a bit true as well? (Clickety click to enlarge, ok?)

Europe according to the Brits:

Europe according to the Greeks:

Europe according to the Italians:

Europe according to the Russians:

Europe according to the Turks:

Europe according to the Americans:

Europe according to the French:

Europe according to the Germans:

Much Love
Daniel

5 on the fifth

2011-11-05T07:56:00.000+01:00

Stephen over at The State Of The Nation UK runs the brilliant '5 on the fifth' open photo fest. This month the suggested theme is "Movement" and this is what I came up with. All pictures snapped reasonably recently.

- click on the image to visit Stephen's blog and find all other photographers -

Movement, definitely! Full speed down the motorway.

Migrating birds on the move.

The world set spinning. And my legs.

Not sure what this means but I figure it takes some serious movement to get there.

These guys apparently has their goal set. Who knows, maybe they're trying to reach the sun?

That was my 5 on the fifth. Thanks for watching. Now, go check out the rest of the contributions, alright?

Much Love
Daniel

Unexpected obstacle

2011-11-03T16:53:00.010+01:00

Thursday. Another day in life ticked off. Or "one day closer to death" as my late grandmother always said. With a huge smile I must add. What a lovely lady. Despite suffering from bad rheumatism throughout my entire childhood and stuck to a wheelchair I cannot recall one single moment when she wasn't smiling at us grandchildren. We were always welcome to drop by after school for milk and cookies. Or her amazing homemade skorpor, somehow always warm straight from the oven. However she always had our names confused and after awhile I got used to be greeted with my cousins name and didn't care much about it. In fact, my extended family is still joking about it, despite being more than 15 years since she passed away.

This morning on my way to work, in the dark, only half awake, the expression "close to death" became more evident than ever. Since I made that same walk yesterday (obviously in the opposite direction) someone had mounted a massive metal gate straight across the path I'm using. Probably to stop lazy motorists to use it as shortcut. In my zombie-state I almost walked right in to that new gate.

The newly discovered obstacle, now by day.

Miraculously I made it but I'm pretty sure I had a silly look on my face. Maybe it was one of those candid camera moments? I almost suspect so. While I was suddenly a little more awake and observant (...) I also noticed the guys running the local tiny town square (which by definition probably is neither a town or square, just tiny) had put up tons of small LED-lights in the trees. Maybe as Christmas decoration? Kind of neat. I just wonder what will happen to those lights when the arborists show up to do their stuff. Oh well. Time will tell.

Let there be light

Now it's time to start cook supper so I better stop rambling. Till next time...

Much Love
Daniel

Grey scale | Good day

2011-11-02T14:50:00.003+01:00

Made it back to work this morning. When I checked my calendar I was forced to realize I hadn't sat my foot in that place for two weeks - sharp. First, my latest trip, then I got sick a few days. But now, back in business. I really can't say anything worth mentioning happened. It was just a day, one of many, it'll probably soon sink in oblivion. Of course, I have to admit it was almost fun, there were a few of my workmates I had almost started to miss. Seeing them, taking part in the usual teasing at coffee break, it's one of the small things that makes days at work a little more bearable.

The local scenery has gone really dull by now. Almost all colours are gone, there are just a few trees insisting in keeping the leaves a little longer. The farmers has ploughed their fields and everything is set for the snow to come... which seems to take some time this year. Don't worry, I'm not disappointed. There's no hurry!

When I did my walk back home I run into The Gf. She, normally being a happy and positive person, was happier than ever. Even though healthcare over here is basically free and reasonably fast, unfortunately when you have to go see experts with a none life-threatening situation (as with her knee issue) you have to queue for it. Not literary sit outside someone's office and wait but you have to be put on the list, and then it might take some time before they actually call you to set the appointment.
So The Gf had been told to expect three or five weeks (which I guess is quite a long time when you're on crutches and in constant pain). Still she took her medical referral from her doc and all other necessary paperwork and made her way over to the experts to hand it all over... and they decided to see her right away! "Just grab a chair, hang on, and we'll take a look at your knee straight away". Now that's what I call service.

That's why she was in a brilliant mood, despite the pain, when I saw her. So now I have decided to cook something extra for supper. I'm so sweet, ain't I? LOL

Much Love
Daniel

Totally gave in for my cravings

2011-11-01T15:53:00.009+01:00

After my previous rambling post we went grocery shopping, me and The Gf. With two teenagers in the house whatever is brought home is soon found wolfed. Or not found at all, if you wish. So the weekly grocery shopping is something that has to be taken seriously not to completely blow our budget. There are silly little coupons to scissor and we have to pick the right store. Not only a store with decent prices, but also a store that has in stock whatever we're out looking for. This time, probably for being such good and frequent customers, we had been sent a 5percent discount check as well. Thanks.

So silly of me. I bet you know all about the everyday ordeals of staying alive, one way or another. Well, while I was manoeuvring my shopping trolley up and down the isles I suddenly spotted a pile of cans that had my attention. Pea soup. My God. Pea soup!! I could literary feel the taste in my mouth. I just HAD to have it.

Said and done. Budget or not, pea soup became my lunch when I was back home. Of course, pre-made pea soup isn't the same as home made - but it's a damn good substitute.

Back in the stone age when I did my national service, the day pea soup was served was the best. Definitely! Over here there is some weird and unexplainable tradition to combine pancakes with pea soup. On Thursdays. Don't ask me why. I told you it's unexplainable, didn't I? So when the guys working in the military canteen handed me my two plates, one containing pancakes, the other one soup, I happily traded my pancakes for an extra portion. There was always some "comrade in arms" that didn't appreciate pea soup (stupid weirdo!) and in the end when the plates had been passed around everyone was happy.

Oh well. Now it's soon 4pm and it's already starting to go dark outside. How "fun".

Much Love
Daniel

Meat, sort of

2011-11-01T08:55:00.005+01:00

It's silly isn't it? It literary just took me hours after I came home from my latest trip till I started to feel the effects from a cold clawing me down. Of course I got sick. Why not. Luckily the first day it wasn't that bad, I managed to pay my dad a visit on his birthday ...his 73rd to be precise... without making him sick as well (I called and checked on him the day after). But since then I've been home, mostly in bed, with a barbwire-soar throat aching muscles a fever and a nagging headache. Yes, it's been very fun indeed.

Still. It's just a cold. Give it a few days and it'll pass. Nothing to worry about too much. Maybe the guys at work wasn't that thrilled when I called and told them I wouldn't show up for a few days (...or maybe they were. Whatever)

When I'm writing this it's Tuesday morning. Starting to feel way better. I'd give it a few hours then I'll decide whether I'll work tomorrow or not. But I guess I probably will. The Gf, also home on what appears to become a lengthy-ish sick leave with a knee issue was happy to have me, yet in bed sick. Maybe it was fun to have someone to nurse for exchange? I don't know. She's on crutches, and she's been so for a few weeks. By now she's got the hang of that method of transportation and picked up some considerable speed. She's even faster now! Scary, isn't it?
It's a little bit tricky. How do I tell her the pretty much constant attending and socializing is a little too much for me? I mean, not without upsetting her. Now I didn't, and maybe this is one of the things that makes a relation last (and work) in the long run? You can see beyond stuff about to go annoying and appreciate the purpose instead, because it's just temporary after all. I guess soon we're back in our proper places and things slide back where they use to be.

Don't get me wrong. I really enjoy my life, and especially when being privileged to do my trips now and then, it kind of puts the life I'm living in perspective. Think I need that. It's so damn easy to start take everything for granted, isn't it?

Anyway. Yesterday when I sorted my pics from the Cyprus trip I found this one. A restaurant menu of some kind. And no, didn't dine there. But I wonder what kind of meat they actually served on their plates? Obviously it's something "Entrecôte"-ish. How nice of them to mention that little detail. LOL

Enough rambling. Take care.

Much Love
Daniel

How depressing

2011-10-30T10:31:00.000+01:00

Yesterday I noticed the supermarket had started selling plastic sledges again. Maybe fun for the kids but a true yucky sign about the season soon to come.

Much (woeful) Love
Daniel

It wasn't a pride-shirt, was it?

2011-10-29T17:13:00.016+02:00

So I'm back, got home a little after midnight yesterday. Or damn early today if you prefer. A week away, trying to catch some sun and heat before the upcoming winter, think it did me good. Perspectives on life, that's necessary too. Had me some of them as well.
As suspected my companion on this trip, my friend C (yes, the hoarder), had a few good questions regarding the letter I sent him after our previous trip. A letter in which I, in an honest way even surprising myself, gave him my view and sometimes confused thoughts on my slightly bumpy teenage years. The abuse; what lead up to it where it took me and why I'm stuck. Realizing my letter was probably going to be a subject of discussion I embarked this trip with a considerable lump in my stomach (and a What have I done?? - voice echoing in my head). But a sent letter can't be undone, right... and who knows, maybe it's for the greater good. Or something.

And yes, on the very first night we had an open talk which was sort of painful but I strengthened myself to follow it through. C had a couple of valid and good questions, unfortunately several of them were similar to the ones I have asked myself for so many years. Questions to which there probably are no answers. In a way I guess him raising the same questions may be a good sign I'm not completely off-track inside this head of mine, after all. At least I hope so. And I prefer interpret C's input like that.

Don't worry. It wasn't just gloom and doom. We had a great fun week, blessed with amazing weather. Like it had been ordered by someone (*cough cough*) hating winter. Almost not a cloud in sight and a warm breeze all day long. Yummy! I also dug up a pile of courage and had us a car for a few days. The only issue (but an issue fairly hard to ignore) was all other motorists insisting in driving on the wrong side of the road. I refuse call it left side! To me, used to reside at the right side (=the proper side!!), the other side is definitely considered to be the wrong one! The first half hour or so was spent driving in sheer complete panic with the firm belief all other drivers were out there to get me. But then I started to get the hang of it. Who could have guessed?! I never crashed. Impressed eh?

On my way to attempt some mountain driving.

I will try to remember, trust me! Btw. It's not 'left', it's called 'wrong side'. Don't you know that, Mr. Signmaker?

Oh it's me. A self-portrait sort of.

Of course I bought some stuff for my family left home. Not much, but according to tradition and my view of gifts; useful stuff. I guess it's boring but that's me. In a store I found a really nice (top quality and not so cheap) shirt for The Young Man. Without any doubt I could have picked that same shirt for myself but now I had it wrapped up for him instead. Back home when he opened his gift he commented upon what he found inside with a sarcastic "...Great. Now I have a pride-shirt..."

But then he gave me a smile and a big hug. That cheeky bastard!

Much Love
Daniel

(Oh, didn't I tell you? I went to Cyprus. And the shirt I bought in Nicosia wasn't rainbowy at all. Well, not completely)

I apologize for the inconvenience...

2011-10-20T13:25:00.002+02:00

...but there will be a short interruption in the service from this blog. You see, I'm off on holiday to catch some sun hopefully making me survive the upcoming winter and darkness.

My luggage is packed and ready to be shipped to the airport for an early flight first thing in the morning.

But don't worry. I'll try to be discrete not to wake you up when I leave.

I have rented a room at hotel looking really nice in the brochure.

I just hope they have the latest in exercising machines so I can work the meals away.

If they don't there's no need to panic. You see, I have also made a remarkably good deal on a rental car...

Source www.photographium.com

...so I can go to the beach, find me a spot and read my book in peace and quiet.

Now, try not to miss me too much. I'm back before you know it. And who knows, maybe I will buy you presents?

See you soon. Behave while I'm away, okay?

Love
Daniel

Proud to have been there

2011-10-19T21:03:00.000+02:00

What happened? You're getting older,
No longer a child,
Not yet an adult,
But a man trying to carve a path for himself.

It feels like it was just days ago,
You and I walked hand in hand for first day in school.
Endless hugs and wet kisses,
Falling from a tree breaking an arm.

So much memories.

Now you crave an independence,
A one that lets you explore your hunger for this world,
I admit it's sometimes hard to accept,
That you're building a life for yourself,

Please, always know this:
You're special; you mean the world to your mum and dad.

Love you, son.
Happy birthday.
Happy 18.

Much Love
Daniel

ps I love you

2011-10-18T17:02:00.006+02:00

It's a day of absolute crappy weather. It's 9C, a gale-like wind, rain spraying sideways bashing against my windows, dead leaves flying all over. Actually, a weather advisory warning for rough conditions on the lake has been issued. Kind of useless I guess. I mean who with their mind reasonably intact would go out in a boat? Today?? I wouldn't, trust me.
The Kid came home soaking wet after biking home from school, despite staying extra long playing snooker waiting for rain to stop. For no avail. The Young Man showed up wet and exhausted after running home from his bus. Nothing helped, neither snooker nor running did save them from having to face the elements.

Crappy weather... or at least a brilliant excuse to stay indoors. If not before, on days like these I really appreciate my home and the company it provides me. Warmth and shelter. Obviously I'm not the only one thinking like this today.

This sleeping arrangement was a bit uncomfy and impractical for me but I had the distinct impression not everyone saw it that way. Well, at least my wrist got warm. Very warm. Also, in the mail today The Kid's school catalogue arrived. It's almost like a yearbook. This book-sized catalogue contains class photos, not only from all classes and ages in The Kid's school, but also from all other local schools. All eight of them to be precise. Eventually the catalogue turns in to a memorial thing I suppose, and of course it's good business for the company producing it.
Nevertheless, browsing through the pages is honestly a lot of fun. Many familiar faces. The Kid of course. His friends. But also kids of my neighbours and workmates, and a lot of random boys and girls I recognize from work.

Amongst all I spotted these two unknown boys to the far right. I'm not sure about the deeper meaning, I guess it's their secret. Still, kind of cute isn't it?

Much Love
Daniel

About fika. And looking like an idiot?

2011-10-15T21:07:00.002+02:00

Had me one of those days, lots of postponed errants had to be finally carried out. Buy a new sack of dry food to the cats (as they clearly eat like small hairy horses) at the pet store a car ride away. Some time ago a plastic shelf to the fridge broke, you know one of those on the inside of the door? I called a detailed store and ordered a new one, it was now ready to be picked up. That also a car ride away. Had to do some shopping for clothes, and finally my parents (now back in the city) had invited me over for an afternoon fika.

Fika.

To enlighten you on this delicate subject:

Fika is both a Swedish verb and noun, pronounced "fee-ka", that roughly means "to drink coffee". This is not any fast cup of sloppy coffee, fika is something of a social institution in Sweden which any serious Swede consider to be an important part of the culture. You can fika at work by taking a "coffee break" (in which whole companies are brought to a standstill), fika with someone like a "coffee date", or just drink a cup of coffee. Fika may also mean having coffee or other beverages at a café or konditori (a "patisserie-based coffeehouse"). From fika also comes the word fik, a colloquial term for "café". This practice of taking a break, typically with a cinnamon roll or some biscuits or cookies, or sometimes a smörgås ("sandwich") or a fruit on the side, is central to Swedish life.

That's why a fika invitation has to be take seriously. It takes good excuses to turn one down. I accepted, but I did so with a certain amount of scepticism knowing there's pretty much always a hidden agenda buried somewhere. I've been there before. It's either A: computer tech support or B: something heavy needs to be transported or carried or possibly C: mobile phone tech support.

It was A. My mother's laptop had gone completely frozen but with a full reboot (incl a short removal of the battery) it was soon brought back to life. That five minute operation was definitely worth her freshly made apple pie with warm custard. And a cup of coffee.

For some mysterious reason both boys decided to join me today, probably knowing something tasty was about to be served at their grandparents. Well, they didn't go disappointed. And I also had some "helpful" second and third opinion in what shirts to buy when I went for a visit to the downtown stores. "Oh you just can't buy that one, it's soooooo old! Take that one instead" Wasn't sure to trust them as they both suspiciously quickly agreed in the same shirts. So now I'm either dressed according to their view of fashion... or to their immense amusement I'm looking like a complete idiot. Not sure which. (Well I honestly don't believe in the latter)

Don't care really, it was a fun day. Like my mother's fika, the boys company and laughters will be worth it.

Much Love
Daniel

C, and the letter I sent him

2011-10-13T20:49:00.005+02:00

In about a week I'm off on another trip, my friend C wanted to get away from his life for a few days and he offered me to join him. As any regular reader of this blog might have noticed one of my favourite things to do is just travel. Maybe not necessarily exploring unique exotic places, the sheer change of environment is enough for me. So we're soon off. That's all fine and everything. Everyone's happy. Now C just called me and we had a chat about coordinating our packing. Wherever I go I always make sure to bring my own coffee. I'm sort of addicted to coffee, and whatever is served abroad tend to be not quite to my standards (=completely undrinkable!!), that's why I bring my own. And so on. I think you get it.

However there is one aspect to this I'm a bit worried about. Shortly after our last trip in March, the one on which I finally told him my complete lifetime secret, I wrote him a letter clarifying and explaining things impossible for me to talk about. Later I have reread that letter and I have to say it's pretty damn frank. And painful. Can't really believe I actually wrote that stuff and sent it to him, I must have been drunk. Or desperate. Either way, in a painfully graphic and honest way even surprising myself, I described what happened and how I felt (and still feel) about it.
I really don't know why I wrote that letter. Maybe I wanted someone trusted to know, maybe I somehow realized the drunken state I was in when I told him probably had the story to go completely incoherent so I had to set things straight. I don't know. All I know is that sometimes I'm scared. Scared of myself, scared what I'm capable of when I lose the grip of myself and my mood goes plunging.

Now I'm really starting to feel worried that my letter and its content is going to be discussed during our upcoming trip. You see, a few days after C received the letter he called me and asked if I was able to talk in private. I was, but when he told me he wanted to ask some stuff regarding the letter I told him to stop. I just wasn't able to face things. Face my self, I guess. And yes, I realize I have put myself in this situation, there's no one else to blame. So probably I need to suck it up, realize I am my own worse enemy and deal with it.

Don't get me wrong. I really look forward to our upcoming trip. We have tons of fun together, and staying a week away from home makes me also see how much I need and love my own family. It's just that... I'm worried. I'm an expert in creating issues, ain't I?

Have a great evening. Or what ever your timezone dictates.

Much Love
Daniel

Busy days

2011-10-13T15:56:00.000+02:00

So, I have been home sick in a cold a few days. Things aren't that bad, I have definitely experienced worse days so I'm not really complaining. What's bothering me most is a nausea and headache running on and off. But that's nothing that will kill me.
In fact, staying home from work without feeling physically too crappy is a nice thing. I know some will go instantly bored, but not me. I sort of like it. I can always keep myself occupied one way or another. Look. I've done the laundry, cleaned the cat's litterbox, browsed the web for ideas to the next family vacation, watched internet porn (...erm...), cleared my desk and I have been catching up on recorded episodes of my favourite TV-shows. And I've kept the cats company.

Now, don't you come say I haven't been busy.

Much Love
Daniel

Everyone's happy

2011-10-12T10:02:00.002+02:00

I'm back in life, more or less forced myself to that position. The opposite honestly isn't much to strive for, is it? I think the music therapy helped and had the desired effect. When I checked this morning I was a little surprised the tune I recoded and uploaded had so few plays, but I think my reaction was mainly because that song means so much to me, it has done so over many years (especially the last days and the efforts put into finally have it down on a decent recording, as described in the previous post ). Of course I understand and respect that we all see things differently. What might appear important to me doesn't necessarily have to be important to anyone else.

My appearance at work has been sort of pale, maybe even physically (but I was there, that's what I'm paid for right) A few my workmates commented upon that, all I could say was that I didn't feel quite alright. Didn't feel like explain further. Little did I know how right I was.
Monday evening at home, suddenly a nasty cold broke out. I had a never-ending running nose, a constant sneeze, my muscles was aching and I was alternating freezing/feeling like a Finnish sauna. Great. Pretty much from bed I called work and told them I wasn't coming the day after. At first the manager I spoke to sounded troubled, realizing he had to find someone to cover for me. Sorry (but hey, that's what he's paid for). Obviously he succeed beyond expectation. Soon after my phone rang and there he was again. ...are you staying home the day after tomorrow as well? Because if you are I have found someone covering for you... Kind of funny. Shouldn't the management try persuade me to come to work, now it felt like the complete opposite. Oh well. Could be seen as a clear hint I guess.

Unfortunately yesterday wasn't as chill as I wanted and probably needed. The Gf has hurt her knee pretty bad, maybe it will take surgery to correct it, she's still waiting for the final saying from her doc, so now she isn't able to neither drive or carry heavy stuff. It's been either me or the kids helping her with the shopping for a few weeks now. Before this cold hit me I had promised to help out with the weekly grocery shopping this time. But I also had an appointment previously booked for my trailer's annual vehicle testing, something you need to book quite some time ahead to pick a time and date that's suitable. Guess what day I had signed up for? Exactly. I'm so brilliant :| So I had me a good dose of fever reducing pills and we decided to hit the hypermarket quite close to the testing facility. Parking at the store with a trailer attached honestly looked quite silly, like we were there for some really really really serious shopping LOL.

Anyway. Both the shopping and testing turned out okay. And my employer didn't have to see me. Everyone's happy.

Much Love
Daniel

Distraction. And music

2011-10-10T19:36:00.006+02:00

It hasn't been the best couple of days. I had yet another free fall which makes me react in the most strange and irrational way. From previous episodes I know this so well. I also know I tend to slip in to destructive behaviour when I'm in that mood. I'm not a violent person, I have never been, my destructiveness is mostly (or rather; specifically) pointed at my self. Like some self-inflicted harm and punish would help. Help? It's more a feeling of deserving it. I know, it's all silly and stupid and probably nothing no one will ever understand. Me included.
To deflect this, and to distract me from any weird ideas I took refuge in what I know easily absorbs my mind. Music. My parents city apartment is empty, they're still staying at their summer residence but I know they'll soon return. But not quite yet. So the entire Sunday was spent there. Alone. It may sound like a strange thing but I honestly needed my solitude. I didn't have to explain myself to The Gf, I believe she knew. You just go, she said. And that was the end of that discussion. I brought my recorder and the Neumann microphones. Late in the afternoon, after lunch courtesy of the pizza place down the street, this is take 34 (or so).

Le onde by Ludovico Einaudi. My of rendition of it. The first time I heard this song, it must have been fifteen years ago or so, I was seriously stunned. So amazing. And I have been playing this one, on and off, ever since. With a very much fluctuating result I must admit. But that's the beauty of music. Sometimes it clicks, sometimes it don't. Maybe it takes a free fall.

Much Love
Daniel

ps The rendering process over at Soundcloud has screwed up the sound. Download the original file for a better version, hit the down-arrow in the player above. Or mail me and I'll happily send you the 14MB HQ version.

ps2 Thank you all for your support the latest days. I'm not sure I deserve it, but thanks. You're the best.

Whatever

2011-10-09T09:09:00.000+02:00

I just woke up from a decent sleep. Yesterday's bottomless sinking feeling, which I'm sorry for dragging you in to, has somewhat faded away. Still I feel like shit. At my bathroom visit I wasn't at all comfortable with my own reflection in the mirror so I quickly looked the other way. There's a huge lump aching in my stomach (or is it a black hole? those are hard to separate) and as I'm writing this I can't stop tears from running down my cheeks. For what reason I can't explain. I'm not sad, I just feel... have no idea! Out of balance? Maybe.

However I can't escape the feeling I would want to be something else. Not me, someone else. Just leave, be reborn, relive, re-experience. I don't feel comfortable with what I am and what's inside of me... but it's too late to change that. Whatever.
So pointless bury myself in this, isn't it?

ML
D

We could go far. But where?

2011-10-08T23:01:00.000+02:00

There are days when I don't know what to think or say. I'm deeply ashamed of what I am and the path my mind is walking. Yet the trust that is repeatedly shown in me, I just don't get it. Why? What have I done to deserve it? I never thought life would be this way. So beautiful, so hard to master. Everything seems so close, then it's so far away. Nightmares sometimes makes me scream at night. I'm never awake to hear them but in my sleep I can sense the bottomless fear. When I wake up I feel the scratches of horror ache my soul, I can feel the lump making my stomach tell me it wasn't a good night. At breakfast table I'm told and I joke it away. Change the subject or put up a fake smile to hide and shield away what I don't want to talk about. Shield it from me, from them, from us, from the real world. Find an escape, any escape. Just pull me close, caress my hair and say everything will be alright.

That will never happen.

I'm trapped with myself. For better and for worse. Life is what it is. I know life isn't that bad, it's what we make of it (because that's what I say to my children, that's what my parents told me)

It's just that I'm not sure I want to leave. I'm not sure I want to stay either.

Much Love
Daniel

Is that feeling of relief egoistic?

2011-10-07T20:29:00.008+02:00

It's Friday. The first step towards supper is taken. I have made my own (if you ask me;) damn delicious spicy tzatziki sauce, and the beef has been put in a garlic-ish marinade to soak for an hour or two. I now have a short break before it's time to complete the dish.

Today I had a private talk with M, my good friend at work. You remember her? Her 13yo son recently broke down in tears and dark thoughts and run off in to the night. Since then they've been in contact with counsellors and God knows who else. Some time ago when we spent lunch together she asked me for a favour; The boy (let's call him P) had been spotted in our tiny shopping centre's underground car park, and as I'm living fairly close she asked me to take a look now and then if I was passing. And I have. I saw him once, just hanging around, seemingly doing "nothing". Why he was there, doing his whatever (I guess it really wasn't nothing) wasn't up to me to investigate. I just did was I was asked, called M and she eventually came and picked P up.

You know I honestly feel for her. Right now she's in the middle of a deep stinking mess. Her husband, the one she refers to as The alcoholic, of course refuses to see his own issues and how it affects the entire family. He claims he has his alcohol consumption under control and can stop drinking at any time. Have we heard it before? On top of everything, the 15yo daughter happened to mention about the home conditions to the school advisor when they were discussing her future studies. The advisor of course did what he/she is obliged to do by law; report the matter to the social services. So now the complete family are under investigation, and this week some inspector came on a home visit and also interviewed the youngest child, a five yo girl. Btw, how the do you question a five yo about their mom and dad and what goes on at home? I assume there are techniques for it. I hope so.

On today's talk M told me P's school had contacted her telling P is falling behind and probably will not pass the goals set for his age, something that has to be addressed too. Realizing she had yet another issue to deal with M looked unpleasantly upset. And dejected.

I couldn't tell her but in a way I honestly think it's a good thing the authorities now have been involved as it's clear M and her family obviously aren't able to change the situation by their own - but the major part of me is just happy it's not about me!
Is that feeling of relief egoistic? I have reminded her about my promise to house her and her children at any time if the situation at home goes out of hand and they need to quickly get away. It'll be a tight squeeze indeed, probably not a comfortable one, but we'll manage somehow. There's always sofas and floors to sleep on.
Of course I realize the final decision to break up and run away can't be taken easily. A lot of big issues has to be taken into account - first, because whenever you start walk down that road there's most likely no way back. So maybe we'll never end there, who knows. Still it's sad. Damn sad.

With that perspective I understand I probably live a successful life after all and whatever issues I'm carrying are damn trivial. Egoistic or not.

Much Love
Daniel

5 on the fifth

2011-10-05T14:37:00.003+02:00

Stephen over at The State Of The Nation UK runs the brilliant '5 on the fifth' open photo fest. This month the suggested theme is "Pleasure" and I decided to stick to the theme given. This is what I came up with, a bunch of pictures (can you believe this amazing coincidence; five of them!) from my recent trip to London, a sheer pleasure trip.

- click on the image to visit Stephen's blog and find all other photographers -

For me the sheer transportation is an important part of a successful pleasure trip, too. A (reasonably) comfy window seat, a clear view and a somewhat decent meal makes any flight enjoyable.

I guess you can have different opinions about street art, but when coming from skilled artists it sure has boring facades come alive.

Riding the London Eye. The staff persisted in calling it a "flight" which I found pretty annoying and silly. Still, the view was spectacular.

"To save you from snapping pictures of cheap copies, the original Big Ben has been clearly marked with a red X" LOL

Smoking is definitely not a pleasure of mine but I'm always in for a good break.

That was my 5 on the fifth. Thanks for watching. Now, go check out the rest of the contributions, alright?

Much Love
Daniel

I saw a guy strangling Justin Bieber

2011-10-03T16:16:00.008+02:00

This past weekend was intense. And hot. My friends C took me and The Gf on an all expenses paid weekend trip to London to show his appreciation for our clearing of his hoarded apartment earlier this year. This was really nice of him, and despite the both of us trying to convince C he didn't had to repay us in any way, he insisted. In fact, he wanted to do this trip and with his gratitude as excuse he also had our company. It turned out he hadn't been to London before. Ever. That suddenly made us something like tour guides. Well, I didn't mind. Like this I had to see some of the basic sights once more. So off we went, and we landed straight in to a temporary heatwave.

I don't mind 30C and a clear blue sky, especially given it just could had been 10C and rain... The parks were absolutely crowded with people enjoying the weather and I suspect the guys in the ice cream vans had their best October-weekend since the dawn of man. Luckily for us northerners there are always department stores placed out here and there to use when its time to seek shelter from the heat. Harrods turned out to be the wrong place though. Some terribly loud opera singer had taken custody of the main stairway, we quickly retreated back out into the heat not to kick start my migraines all over and found ourselves another store.

C wanted to visit Madame Tussauds, something I haven't done in years. Last time I went there I thought it was a horrible tourist trap so I have to say my expectations wasn't that high. Maybe that's why I got surprised, I almost enjoyed my revisit. And when I saw a guy, in front of his friends and their cameras, strangling "Justin Bieber" it got hilarious. A lot of people, me included, laughed out loud. Unfortunately I wasn't quick enough to snap a pic of the killing so you will have to take my word for it.

Yesterday evening, back home again we touched down in rain and temperatures pretty much sliced in half. Brrrr!!!! (and what a relief) We had the car parked at the airport and when driving home on the motorway I normally try to avoid, it of course didn't take long till the kamikaze-drivers started to appear. This is exactly why I'm happy to take long detours to stay away from the morons! I was overtaking some slow trucks when from like nowhere a battleship-sized Mercedes SUV came with an unimaginable speed flashing its headlights to clear the way and didn't stop till it was parked in my boot (or so). Such behaviour really pisses me off, and it definitely does NOT make me drive any faster (rather the opposite). So I continued my overtaking and then pulled over. The Mercedes flew by with what felt like just centimetres to spare, only to immediately cross over all four lanes, almost missing its exit to the far right. We just shook our heads... and the other driver showed us his middle finger. No wonder there are crazy accidents.

The kids, who had been home alone during the weekend, had amazingly survived and the house was pretty much still in one piece. The Young Man had cooked them potato gratin (I bet with tons of garlic) and a minced beef steak as Saturday supper, and they had cleverly called my parents and invited themselves over for lunch the day after... they had even done their laundry. Impressing isn't? Apparently, and just like we expected, taking care of themselves had been a fun and good experience for those two boys.

(Anyone from the social service reading this? Don't worry. We had arranged with a neighbour to come "rescue" the boys if needed, we had our mobiles available at all times and we called home to check on them. Fine? You see, no need to intervene.)

Maybe we appear reckless in our parenting. I hope not because recklessness is not the idea. At all. I believe kids grow as persons and individuals when they are shown trust and are given responsibilities. Of course, not everything goes according to plan. But that, that's a lesson too. Right?

Till next time!

Much Love
Daniel

My way of doing choirs

2011-09-28T20:09:00.006+02:00

I still feel a little funny in my head even though the worse of the migraine has eased off by now. Yesterday, after coming home from work I felt absolutely terrible. I quickly had me a good dose of my migraine blocker and it eventually had the desirable effect. Unfortunately those "lucky pills", as The Kid call them, makes me feel sick instead. But I guess if the migraine is bad enough, then a barfing feeling is more desirable than having a head about to explode.

Know how it feels

After a long nights sleep I sat off for work this morning. I thought I looked okay, at least I went there with the prospect to do my stuff the way I always do. Well it didn't long till my workmates started to ask if I was really feeling alright and said I looked all pale and gloomy. So much for my efforts eh. Honestly they were probably right, it wasn't my bestest day ever, but somehow I managed to avoid causing any major incidents or catastrophes worth mentioning. Nor was a fired and thrown out the door so maybe the day was somewhat successful after all? You tell me.

Back home I had the best treat possible waiting for me; A new purchase had arrived! I know, I'm hopeless. But hey, at least it's my own money I'm spending, I'm not wasting our savings for the next vacation or so. This time I had bought myself a new robotic vacuum. Yes, I know I already have one, thank you very much. It's been in use for some time now, and even though The Gf is surprisingly sceptic about it and prefer doing the job herself (fine, go ahead!) the rest of us have by now fallen in love with the little robot. Even my mother, despite laughing out loud the first time she saw it in action, has been impressed.
So I killed my piggy bank and bought myself a better model. This new fellow has some neat features like a couple of "light houses" you place in strategic places around the house to guide it from room to room and later back to it's home base (and charger) when the cleaning is done. It's also possible to schedule the robot to start cleaning by itself, preferably when everyone is off to work/school. So when we later come back home... tadaa!!... all rooms are vacuumed. Brilliant! (...and there is a remote control so I can sit in my chair and chase the cats, don't tell anyone about that twisted fun feature LOL)

His latest toy

The most amazing part is that the little robot actually is doing a fairly decent job. Okay, it's a little bit slow and you need to clear the floor from obvious obstacles. And it is somewhat noisy... but what vacuum isn't?? So what, I don't have to do the job! I don't even have to be at home. That's my way of doing choirs.

The old basic-model robot will be passed on to my mother the next time I go see her. I bet she will be surprised!

Much Love
Daniel

ps. Maybe next time I'll buy me one of these. Or maybe not.

Is it okay to throw anything hard close at hand on the ice cream truck?

2011-09-27T15:01:00.001+02:00

Having a migraine. Why had that stupid truck stop just outside my house and play its tune??

Much Love (in pain)
Daniel

Should be depressing but somehow it isn't

2011-09-26T15:12:00.000+02:00

Autumn is here to stay, face it. The evenings has gone both colder and darker, and those chilly nights has kick started the changes in nature's colours. For a few weeks the colours will be just stunning... but then it will go just as inspiring as a bullet through my head. The rain, darkness, complete lack of colours, gale-like winds rattling my windows (ok, I like that one at night, somehow it makes my sleep so freaking great), and at my place - fog fog and more fog. Then snow.

Sounds like tons of "fun", doesn't it? Should be depressing but somehow it isn't. Not yet anyway.

That was three images snapped this morning. It was cold but not too cold. Could have been worse, and I guess it soon will. So I pulled myself through a day at work, and soon after I arrived back home The Kid crashed through the door, too. Literary. His school had arranged a sports day at the open-air activities area, and it was mandatory to bike there. Ten kilometres away, maybe not that much, but after a full day of orienteering and other outdoor activities the bike trip back home again was not fun.

It's not often he show up at home displaying a shitty mood but today he did. He just dropped his backpack at the hallway floor and went straight to his room, without even saying hi to me. After I carefully had questioned him to find out what was going on and what his issues were (and established it wasn't anything more serious) I just backed off and gave him the space needed. It took about an hour for him to calm down and have his powers back. And the usual happy mood.

Even though the reasons for them may vary I guess we all have our moments like that. Like I know will, soon.

Much Love
Daniel

Loving K

2011-09-24T23:43:00.006+02:00

It's Saturday night. 11pm. I just came home after picking The Kid and his bestest friend K up from an outing at the other side of town. When I drove them there earlier this afternoon they were both in their elements, you should have seen it! And heard... Alright, I will officially say it; I just love K. He's so damn sweet. The innocent spontaneous babbling hasn't been replaced by that teenage puberty mood swing hormone-thing yet. And in his company The Kid really is in full bloom as well! Even though a car ride with those two in the back seat can be a truly strenuous experience, it's also plain hilarious.

So they were randomly babbling like morons. It was about stuff at school and what they saw passing outside the car window. Anything basically. Suddenly they run out of words. Or air. I know it sounds very unlikely but for a minute or two it was all quiet from the back seat. I had just noticed that weird eerie lack of noises and started to wonder if there was something seriously wrong back there when K suddenly broke the silence; "Do you want me to sing a song in French??" Both I and TK screamed NO! but he started singing all the same. And then they were back on track again, so to speak.

K and The Kid are out of the car catching some air while crossing the lake on board the car ferry. And my ears are having a rest.

Hours later on our way back home again we did a little detour to also pick up The Young Man. Of course despite by now looking really tired The Kid and K kept the spirit up and I could see how TYM did his best not to flip out over their noise. I have to say he really impressed me by enduring the car ride without complaining at all. Until K was dropped off at his dad's place. "So this is what silence is like..." he said in his usual sarcastic style as we did the last drive home without K in the car. In a way I understand him, yet I really love K. He's like a third son to me. Does that sound weird? Hope not.

Much Love
Daniel

Those words, They never go away

2011-09-24T13:19:00.006+02:00

Kind of like this song obviously. Its somewhat naive and simple approach touches me.

Chris Medina / What are Words.
Piano cover, my arrangement (which btw isn't that extraordinary).
By ear, no sheets available sorry.
More at my Soundcloud

Much Love
Daniel

Maybe I shouldn't be the one saying it

2011-09-23T21:39:00.009+02:00

It's been a really messed up week. Lots of work (yeah I know, I shouldn't complain with my reduced hours. Yet I do. Well you probably know me by now). I have attended two "fun" late night parents' meetings, one in each school for each kid, plus one additional somewhat important conference at work that went on way too long for me to stay interested.
It's strange, keeping me busy should guarantee a good nights sleep, shouldn't it? That didn't happen. Don't ask me why. My sleep has been extremely crappy, night after night. I've been exhausted, yet tossing and turning like mental. When my alarm eventually (and much too soon) drove me out of bed all bedsheets were completely tangled up in a huge mess with me wrapped up somewhere in between/over/under/beside. I hope things will soon return to some sort of normal state.

There's been plenty of this, too. Migratory birds leaving and a depressing grey overcast, only interrupted by a drowning-like rain sadly revealing a small leakage through a joint in our bedroom wall making the fitted carpet wet. Great. Now I have yet another fun task to deal with. I had hoped all our home maintenance had been finished by now for this season... but obviously I was wrong. Again. It will never end.

There was a nasty accident early this week. It was probably yet another one of those totally unnecessary accidents caused by teen recklessness and general disregard of personal safety. Three boys went jet skiing (this time of year! That alone makes their prank crazy enough) and of course they crashed. Two of the boys made it back ashore but the third went missing in the lake. Despite a massive search and rescue called to the scene he still haven't been found. It's tough to say but I assume his body will sooner or later be found floating.

I turned out all involved had been school mates with The Young Man in his former school. They were in different classes but in the same year. When a spontaneous memorial was arranged one night by some friends of the missing boy, TYM without any hesitations joined up and made himself the 30min bus ride to the beach where the accident took place.
On TYM's facebook I saw the missing boy's photo taken not long ago. A cute smile. Blue eyes. Blond. A quiksilver tee. Full of life. Laughing. Could have been anyone really, could just have been someone very close to me...

Later that night we had a good talk, me and TYM. I told him how much I really appreciate the support and care he just had shown, and how it just proves he has a good heart. And he knows how to use his it, not everybody does unfortunately. We also had a few words about the importance to withstand the pressure from others, about how to stay who we are and to think twice before jumping headless into stuff. I know that is easier said than done, yet I felt I had to have this convo.

Me, the one still having several scars from my own childhood reckless biking and silly games, I probably shouldn't be the one saying this. Or maybe it makes me the most suitable one in the family to do it. I don't know.

Much Love
Daniel

I don't get it

2011-09-22T15:41:00.000+02:00

Sometimes the American way of justice feels so alien to me. Like today.

Much Love
Daniel

Motors and screamy girls

2011-09-18T00:37:00.018+02:00

This weekend we made ourselves a trip to the National Railway Museum arranging a day of motors of all shapes and sizes. A few years ago a similar arrangement took place and it was a huge success. What I liked most was how it brought the railway hobby beyond the usual crowd of railway buffs and broadened the experience. The same happened this time, and amazingly we had the meteorologists on our side as well. What about that? An outdoor activity this time of the years is always something of a gamble, now we had the must beautiful weather anyone can possibly imagine. However the two hour drive up north was enough to have a foretaste of what autumn will be like. We don't have to go further away from home than this, up there the trees had already started to shift colours. Oh well.

The Kid brought his bestest friend K and they had tons of fun. Those two boys are so cute and they complement each other so damn great. It's not hard to see why they like each others company so much. If The Kid is talkative, K is even worse. Together they form some sort of critical mass and they constantly blab make jokes and sing silly songs like the happiest and most carefree kids ever. Luckily we managed to trick them to bring the DVD-player for the car, having them to reasonably quiet watch The Simpsons had me and The Gf to survive the car ride with our ears still attached.

A few images now.

K and The Kid couldn't enter the museum quick enough. After paying the entrance we soon lost track of them but thanks to modern technology (= mobile phones) we never got worried about their whereabouts. Back in the old days parents used harness, right?

A self portrait, sort of. My reflection in a steam loco headlight. Yup, my red autumn jacket is back in business!

Maybe you need to possess some of this to ride one of these, so true.

...and you probably need tons of it to ride this one! And a good insurance.

Details of an English built steam-powered crane. In the centre of the pic, can you spot the butterfly that suddenly landed to dry its wings?

Love this one. A massive engine literary making the ground shake as it runs. You know what it really is? The biggest pencil sharpener you will ever see! (Take a close look to what's connected to its end axle)

But don't worry, it's not completely useless. It can grind carrots too!!

And I can't watch myself tired of this beautifully restored 50's fat orange nose sitting on the electric class Ra loco.

On our way home from what K described as 'The perfect day' we stopped at the mall somewhat close to home for dinner at its Food Court. As it turned out, in the very same mall a highly popular national hip-hop artist had a promotion show and signing of his new record. The chaos (and noise from screaming girls) almost hit extremes. Both K and The Kid whom are still pretty much allergic to girls looked like they were about to throw up. Well we did our best to avoid and ignore and had our meals all the same, as far away as possible. I have to say I honestly preferred these guys below we met at the museum (already presented in a previous post):

Brilliant, isn't it? And seriously, why not use a tractor.

Enjoy your weekend!

Love
Daniel

Tractor music. In HD. With solos!

2011-09-17T20:45:00.002+02:00

Simply brilliant, I love it. Honestly, better than Bieber. Caught on video today:

Much Love
Daniel

I was wrong. Yay! Then I went to Nostalgia

2011-09-16T16:27:00.010+02:00

It's Friday and I'm done working for this week. That specific feeling is kind of sweet, especially when my boss today surprised us all with a huge cake.
Apparently after reviewing the figures and numbers for this past summer (*sigh*) our company obviously could present in many ways a better result that predicted. And as we don't have any economic bonus system or so we had to settle with a massive cake with the company logo. And our jobs a little more secured? Hope so. The cake and the glazing was alright but the guys trying the marzipan logo weren't too happy. "Dry and bitter" they complained. That of course evoked a lot of funny comments and conspiracies. Eventually most agreed that bitter company taste had to be expected. Amen to that.

And I guess this also proved the fears and suspicions about the company going bankrupt I told you about the other day wasn't completely right. Okay, I admit it. I was wrong. My source with first hand connections to the top management told me the recently cancelled 100 million kr investment was of interest again after new contract negotiations had been carried out. No deal has been made yet but if things run as planned it probably will next week. So in that sense I was right, (temporarily) cancelling the investment was only a clever way to squeeze out a better deal from our main customer. Or possibly our main supplier. I guess this is tactics I will never fully understand, master or dare carry out.

Yesterday The Kid had his friend J over. For some reason they had only one or possibly two classes in school, the rest of the day was off. Which meant they were playing computer games all day long. I helped them set up the LAN between two computers - and the gaming was on! Maybe I should have forced them out into the fresh (and wet) air instead but considering the rain I didn't. And judging from their laughters they had tons of fun.
J is in the middle of his voice changes, it sounds just hilarious. He's high and low on random, his voice is hoarse, clear, anything. Everything. I didn't comment, no need to have him embarrassed. But I doubt that would happen. Like always J is still constantly talking non-stop, any embarrassment over this vocal stage seems to be very far away. The Kid isn't there yet but I guess that day isn't too far away.
Weirdly I don't remember anything of my own breaking of voice. Was I like that? Have no idea! I recall it was the summer I turned 14, and when returning to school for 8th grade (according to our school system) I found most of my classmates suddenly had dark voices and was talking like robots. The contrast from prior the summer break was immense! Well maybe it's something you notice more in others than yourself. I don't know.

Yesterday I also had me visit to that wonderful place called Nostalgia and I dug up some of my old favourites in terms of music. I never had the privilege to see Cortex live but I pretty much played their records till they got all scratched and broke. The singer, who has been called the worse looking singer ever LOL, is till active in various cultural projects. The second band (Sator), crap I still simply love them! I recall seeing them in the early days of their career at some obscure outdoor festival and the crowd (incl me) kept on calling them back on stage over and over. Soon they run out of songs to play and started their gig all over again from song #1. Eventually the singer, in his broad countryside accent, asked us all to stop clapping and go home! LOL Third and last is a band I saw numerous times at my local rock club. They were pretty intense, even though this TV-gig honestly doesn't make them justice.

Trivia: The friend I had back then that kept me company... or did I keep him company?... on all these concerts for years knew a producer who were an all-known and important figure in the local post-punk scene. At one show my friend was given a pre-release of an upcoming album to give his verdict and suggest changes. That record was ultimately also passed to me to have my saying, something I found strange given my schooling in music had been pretty classic. Piano. Chopin Bach Schubert... but I never came to like Mendelssohn. So I thought I was for ever ruled out as giver of a second opinion. Apparently not.
Does that make me an assistant-assistant (and so on) producer? (Please say yes, that'd be so cool!)

Cortex - Flowers of evil

Sator - Pigvalley Beach

Dansdepartementet - Finito

Enough rambling. Real life is calling for me. Time to start cook supper.

Much Love
Daniel

I'm already starting to hate winter

2011-09-14T17:16:00.002+02:00

I'm a shorts-guy, that's just what I am. All year around I wear that lovely piece of clothing. At spring/summer/autumn everywhere. At winter only indoors at home. Luckily my place is very well insulated, there are thick walls and triple-glass windows making the indoor climate just perfect for shorts... even when there's a snow blizzard raging outside. Guess what kind of pants I quickly change to when I come home from work? And guess what I'm wearing right now? Shorts, anyone? Yup, you're right!

Unfortunately I had an accident a few days ago. We had some crap piling up in our already quite narrow hallway, not exactly making it wider and easier to pass, and as I made my way through my pants was caught in one of the knobs to the drawer. Not only did I completely rip my shorts, the drawer also flipped over in a huge crash. Damn and blast! Of course this had to be my favourite pair of shorts, why not?

So I went shopping in the city with the prospect to find me a new pair as replacement. Too late. When I asked for shorts the staff almost laughed at me and pointed towards the snowboards and skipants. Wrong season!

Now I have yet another reason to hate winter!

Much Love
Daniel

Updates. And things I need to say

2011-09-13T16:00:00.005+02:00

It's been a couple of days since last post. Not that anything hasn't happened, but not exactly the contrary either. There has been business as usual both at home and at work I guess. Yesterday I attended a school conference with The Kid and his teacher. We had the goals set for the upcoming semester, discussed possible issues and such. Luckily there were none, The Kid is doing very good in school (I already knew that but it's always nice to be told) and has top results on almost every test. We agreed in him switching to a higher grade math course as he need a better challenge. Because that was his only real complain about school; Math classes was boring and too easy. Well, I'd rather face that dilemma than the opposite. Said and done. Today he came home from school with a complete new set of books. Hopefully these will turn out more challenging and interesting.

At work I recently was told in secret from a normally trustworthy source the soon upcoming 100 million kr (10.4 million € / 14.5 million $) has been cancelled due to contract issues. I'm not sure what contract we're talking about though. Is it the contract with our main customer (ultimately the one paying for the investment), or possibly the contract with the supplier of the new equipment? I don't know and neither did my informer. What this will mean in the long run is yet to find out, but when thinking of it I wonder if my company is just trying to squeeze out a better deal. That, or we're about to go bankrupt lose our contracts and I'm soon out of work and homeless on the streets. Who knows. No official news about this cancellation has leaked out and I believe I'm the only one beside the management that knows. I'm pretty confident when the bomb is dropped the company moral will be as floating as the Titanic. That'll be a 'fun' day. Yeah right. *looking for the lifeboats*

The situation with my workmate M and her 13yo son has developed further. We have had a good private talk and she told me the boy, according to counsellor they're in contact with, is into a deep depression. (Oh really, what a surprise) The reasons for his depression is not known though, and the boy don't want to speak about it. At least so she said and I didn't push her on that point.
Whatever the reasons might be, what happened has been a huge alarm bell for the entire family. The last days they have been reviewing themselves and the life they're living, and the dad who's virtually been on the edge of alcoholism has taken a grip of himself. At least for now. I honestly think it's just a matter of time before he's back at the bottle, but let's hope I'm wrong on this one.

The boy's refusal to talk about his issues has my alarm bells set off. From my own experiences I know it's so easy to become an expert in hiding. And if you're (correctly) asked you deny all the same. Lies and denials are at any cost and consequence because the speechless shame of telling is like taking a dive into an erupting volcano; You just don't do it. Anything is better.
My fears and worries about what the boy has been through was intensified when M told me some about the specific friend he have spent a lot of time with (spent the night at) instead of going home after school. It's pretty far from their home, and if you bear in mind this is an island community, public transports are sometimes sparse so staying the night at friends isn't as weird and uncommon as it may sound. But...
I'm not going to repeat what I was told but I honestly have to say I was surprised M didn't react on what she said herself, maybe it's me having a different perspective? I certainly got alarmed, and from what little I now know I would definitely keep the boy away from that friend and his family. For now anyway. Just in case.

Of course the situation has completely changed after the boy broke down in tears and run away into the night in a suicidal state. Now the boy isn't allowed to go anywhere but home after school and the process of solving his issues has highest priority and it includes school, social service, the youth crises centre... the lot. I just hope he eventually will decide to open up his heart for someone he trust because whatever his secret might be, it's a heavy burden to carry alone.

I think that last sentence is what I will tell M with the prospect she will relay it to her son one way or another, I feel I need to. I just hope she won't take it the wrong way.

Much Love
Daniel

"But I remember everything"

2011-09-10T08:44:00.006+02:00

By ear so it probably isn't hundred percent accurate. See it as an interpretation.
Hurt by Cash / NIN
My Soundcloud

Much Love
Daniel

Walking through the same door?

2011-09-09T17:44:00.003+02:00

So I've been on this shortened schedule for a little more than a week by now. And so far I love it (but then I haven't received my first reduced payment yet. Maybe my view will change after that) Suddenly I have found myself having energy left over for other activities after work... and that was my plan. Even though my job isn't physically challenging it is in a way mentally. And doing long shifts had me worn down, and it started to show. A few of my workmates had in private asked me if I was doing alright, and when the one I trust the most asked the same thing I realized I seriously had to do something about my situation. That, or hit the wall.
Everyday after work this week I have taken my bike out for a 1hr intense ride. Except Wednesday when the weather was horrible, then I went to the public bath for a good swim instead. Now I need to strengthen myself to keep my pace up, it's so easy to just go lazy... maybe sometimes I can afford myself a dose of that... but not on regular basis. That's why I'm back doing autistic personal schedules and todo lists. Anything that works.

I like biking, I always have. In my surroundings I have made myself a variable track. There are some steep hills that really takes some serious efforts to be conquered, but there are also flat areas and downhills bringing the speed up. And I pass my magic pear tree! Yesterday I noticed the pears had passed the stage of perfection. The sweet and lovely crunchiness is deteriorating and they're about to go soft now. I bet all pears are all soon lying on the ground waiting for the worms to kick in (lucky bastards!) Autumn is definitely on its way.

I spoke with my workmate M the other day. She has a son at the same age as The Kid (that is 13, going 14) and that boy is in deep trouble. She had previously told me about him, about how he had started to act rebelliously at home, complaining about all the demands from school and from his parents and siblings. Slowly he was sliding away from the family, spending more and more time with friends far away (and preferably spending the night at them), producing evasive answers to questions about his whereabouts and doings, getting late to school, forgetting his gear at home and so on. Maybe it was just puberty kicking in? We compared our experiences in parenting and such.

Last weekend he cracked at supper. Slammed the door and left the house crying at night. They found an open chat window on his computer on which he had spoken to someone about committing suicide. The family had to do a massive search for him and hours later he was found, far from home, still crying his heart out. He refused to tell his parents about his issues, they only realized he was deep into serious dark thoughts and ideas. After M and her husband had spent night awake on suicide alert, next morning they went straight to the youth crises centre for professional help. The boy refused cooperate in the counselling and haven't really told anything that explains his distress. Maybe it isn't anything we can understand. Maybe it's all the small sums added up. Or maybe it's something else, something way worse.

What really has a knife stuck into my heart is how I recognize that boy's emotions. The speechless distress, that feeling of being stuck in a dead end situation. Of course I have no idea what has happened to him, maybe I will never find out, but the idea of abuse has been occupying my mind all week. Maybe that's why he has been away at "friends" night after night? At one of the private talks M and I had I considered telling her about my fears and why... and by that also revealing my story to her which she knows nothing about. But I didn't. I'm sure they already have asked themselves the same thing. What good would it make if I pointed at the same door they are probably praying their son haven't passed? My thoughts are definitely with them.

So that's where they are right now. The boy has been ordered a lot of good sleep and for all pressure from school and home to be immediately removed. M is obviously on sick leave and off work but we have text/talked a lot during this week and I have done whatever I can to support them without acting intrusive. I guess it's a fine balance.

That's it for now. Sorry if this turned all confused because that's how I currently feel.

Much Love
Daniel

Had me some company

2011-09-07T19:40:00.001+02:00

I wonder what cats dream about. Her paws was "running" like she was after something. Maybe in her mind she was playing at a warm field a beautiful day chasing dreamlike imaginary reflections of the sun? Or something else only the eye of a cat can spot and appreciate. Who knows.

Much Love
Daniel

The joy of having kids

2011-09-05T20:33:00.010+02:00

I'm not sure what impression you might have been given about family life over here by reading this blog. That everything is fine and we're happily coexisting? I have to admit there are days like that sometimes, but definitely not always. Yesterday turned out to be one of those days when we all acted like a model family. Not.
I have no idea what flew in to The Young Man but his mood was just awful. From the moment he woke up (which was noon or so) he was all teenagy, arrogant, snapping at everyone and everything, complaining about his chores and were a general uncooperative ungrateful shit if you ask me. Yesterday I could have traded him for a fish tank, definitely.

Most of the times I managed to stay away from his whining. Fine, if you want to act martyr, please go ahead. The bin won't go away, it will be there waiting for you. You can complain all you want, but not to me. Then I left. No point argue with him. The Kid had of course his share of complaints. He had moved TYM's towel in the bathroom, not returned a pen or some other horrible crime for which he was now verbally executed. Whatever, The Kid said, rolled his eyes and was wise enough to lock himself to his room.

In the afternoon hell broke lose. The Young Man knows exactly whom to piss off; The Gf. I don't know what started it but she basically blew up in his face. She is normally the sweetest person ever but (...now I'm about to reveal some of my prejudges...) sometimes I wonder if she by heart actually isn't French. Or possibly Italian. Because she can go absolutely furious, wave her arms, yell and totally refuse to back down. In that mood I bet she wouldn't hesitate a second to grab the phone and call the president of the universe and if needed scream at him and tell him what sickening bastard he is. I'm almost afraid to admit it, but in that state she is honestly *a little bit* amusing. And sexy.
But anyway. They had a fierce fight with a lot of silly loud pointless shouting and screaming. And a few slammed doors. Luckily no cat got squished, but I guess the cats had already felt the bad vibes and left the building.

When TYM eventually (and I'm sad to say; finally) left for his afternoon judo practice we all breathed out. And maybe he needed that break too. That break from us, that is. When he later came back home we decided to give it all a fresh start, we decided to turn the page and did our best to act like nothing had ever happened. And I believe it did the trick. Whatever had possessed The Young Man left him and we enjoyed some high-quality TV time together (I know, that's not much but compared with earlier the same day just watching TV together felt like a massive step in the right direction) before it got too late.

Today, like yesterday never had existed. Just minutes ago he did his own washing of clothes (yes, that new chore has landed smoothly) without me even had to tell or remind him. Better do this before before I forget about it, he said. I have written a short and very basic step-to-step manual in how to wash and stuck it with fridge magnets to the dryer, I saw him read my washing 1-01 and dig in.

Crap, now I have tears in my eyes. Joy, it sure is. Well maybe not always but those moments are soon forgotten.

Much Love
Daniel

5 on the fifth

2011-09-05T04:46:00.000+02:00

Stephen over at The State Of The Nation UK runs the brilliant '5 on the fifth' open photo fest. This month the suggested theme is "Mess" I had a quick look around and realized I had a lot of that close hand... by maybe publishing pictures of the boys' room isn't the funniest thing to do. Honestly, that view is more sad than fun. So instead I did a little browsing in my hard drive and came up with these images instead. Enjoy, or be alarmed.

- click on the image to visit Stephen's blog and find all other photographers -

A passing thunderstorm creates a *somewhat* messy weather at the railway feast

Love message in the messy window

A shop assistant at one of the more exclusive stores takes care of the mess

...maybe coming from these fellows? I love the look of that right statue!

The messiest store in town! They sell all sort of junk, inside the piles of rubbish are everywhere and the shop owner are constantly after you like a hawk to make sure nothing slips down your pockets. But seriously, who would want some of that crap??

And an embarrassing bonus pic. The ultimate mess:

Under my desk

That was my 5 on the fifth. Thanks for watching. Now, go check out the rest of the contributions, alright?

Much Love
Daniel

Did some blog-changes

2011-09-04T13:00:00.001+02:00

Think I'm satisfied with the result... maybe it all got too white? But then, that is intentionally. I post a lot of pictures and like this I hope them to speak for themselves in a much clearer way than before. I also widened the main column to making me able to post 800px images, earlier the maximum width was 600. Maybe I'll do some detail-tweaking further on if necessary, who knows?

Next thing to do is trying solve some obvious fatal issues with The Kid's computer. For some reason it refuses to display anything but that not so amusing blue screen of death. According to The Kid himself he hasn't done anything at all, it just happened! I honestly doubt that statement, I bet he installed or did some tweaking he shouldn't have done. The last time this happened that later turned out to be the case, he just didn't want to admit it. Either way, of course I will try help him. And now I'm off to do just that. See ya!

Much Love
Daniel

There's always a catch

2011-09-03T17:17:00.006+02:00

Had an invitation from my mother, may I offer you lunch today? That's very nice of her, and seriously, who is capable to resist a tasty home cooked meal? Not me anyway. However there's a catch in these offers, there always is! I believe I may have told you this before, well it's still valid. An invitation like this one always means A: Something heavy needs to be transported "while you're here and brought the car and all..." B: Need of tech support, or C: Some new purchase need to be installed... which is tech support too I guess. Occasionally the meal is purely social but that's rare and normally called Christmas. But even at such events a mobile can be picked up and you find yourself asked to change the ringtone or so.

Today it was tech support. After spending months at their summer residence my parents are temporarily back in their city apartment for this upcoming week, only to realize the TV wasn't cooperating with them. It was just impossible to flip channels on the digital decoder, it was stubbornly stuck on channel one. Well it could have been worse. Could have been one of the horrible channels on which the apparent never-ending commercials only sometimes are interrupted by some silly gameshow sliced into so many parts it goes completely uninteresting. I soon figured out their multi-function remote was in the wrong mode, pressed the appropriate button to change that... and voilà! Done, fixed, saved the week.

That took me 10 minutes (yes, I was given a cup of coffee while I was on the job), when we then were waiting for the rest of the family to catch up me and mom took a walk in the surroundings. Damn, she's fast! I can barely keep up with her. Seriously, isn't there a speed limit on walking? A little later The Kid and The Gf called and informed us they were on their way after leaving The Kid's tenor saxophone at the specialist guys downtown for some minor maintenance and change of worn out parts. Or do you say played out parts? Whatever. You get it, right?

At the close-by sport field there was a womens only running race and we watched the spectacle. It was complete with over 30.000 running ladies, hovering balloons and all, then we made the (high speed) walk back to the apartment for the promised lunch... which of course was splendid and now, several hours later, I'm still full. Sorry kids, supper is off tonight. You'll have to fix something for yourselves.

Much Love
Daniel

No matter what impression you might have been given; life goes on

2011-09-02T15:12:00.002+02:00

Yesterday night I almost closed my blog. Honestly, I started the process of deleting files and pages but then I realized I probably should sleep on it. So I did. That sleep wasn't very good, and I woke up in the middle of the night to find it completely impossible to return to the world of dreams. Thoughts were spiralling in all different directions.

As you probably can understand there's been heaps of stuff on my mind the last couple of days. I've been trying to figure out what to to, if anything. The input provided by my psyche was painful and honest, yet useful. I also had some good comments and mails supporting and advising me which is something I really appreciate.
I actually believe I came to a couple of conclusions, one of them was regarding this blog. In some unique moment of clarity (????) I could see what good it has done to me, all amazing people in the most distant places I've been put in contact with. But in the same way, just as the blog has widened my horizon it is also dragging me down. Maybe working on the blog evokes memories and sparks (deepens) my issues. Yeah, that seemed plausible. The more I thought about it the more I believed that idea to be the case. So, delete all content and post a short note of goodbye and thank you seemed to be the logical first step.

Thank God I was wise enough to halt this not so bright idea.

Of course the blog itself isn't responsible for all this. My issues and struggles would carry on no matter what. How screwed up can I be? Would a simple delete solve everything?? I'm truly ashamed over my own stupidity and obvious lack of critical thinking.
I know I'm a horrible blog owner. I follow and read a lot of highly interesting blogs but I'm the worse commenter ever! It's a true wonder someone actually bothers to comment (and even follow!) my rambling ranting knowing what's coming. Or not. That's a wonder I really appreciate.... a wonder I can't understand to be honest. Still; Thanks!! You're the best.

So what to do? I need to carry on. And I'm not nuking the blog (note to myself). I've been given valuable insights about myself, making me understand what I am a little better, what I need to do to come to terms with the kid trapped inside. That of course doesn't make stuff any easier but at least it makes me more confident in myself. Life goes on, no matter what you might believe after reading this blog it actually does.

Finally, a few images from my surroundings early this morning to lighten this post up a little. Alright, maybe dark autumn images are a weird way of lighten stuff up... but at least you have to admit the daybreak is beautiful.

Enjoy your weekend

Much Love
Daniel

So, I did it

2011-08-31T15:40:00.000+02:00

My head is doing alright I guess. Still have a slice of that weird numbish feeling after the latest migraine but I think it's finally fading away. Whatever. Had the day off work for personal reasons which in practice meant my annual appointment with my psyche. For reasons I now really can't explain I decided to lay all my cards on the table and for once be honest with her. Maybe she already knew or suspected? Probably. But with psychologists you never really know.
I went as far as words supported me, honest to a level even surprising myself. I told her what happened. I really did. It probably came out incoherent and fragmented but that's how I sometimes feel inside this head of mine... so I told her the way it came to me. After so many years, maybe telling doesn't sound like a big thing to do. Maybe it isn't. But to me speaking about the unspeakable is a big thing, it takes an effort I can't describe. I don't expect anyone to understand this and I won't even try explain how uncomfy I felt having this talk. Didn't even have alcohol to numb myself away.

We also had a chat about the shame and blame. Somehow I expected that subject to surface. I know I'm not the one that should feel responsible however that's easier said than done. She said I need to release and forgive myself for any responsibility I have accepted in the past and that's probably a good piece of advice. But how to do that, I have no idea. Haven't found that switch. We also talked about the present and the future and tried to find a balance and a proper perspective in all this. Some stuff she said was painfully honest and accurate and in my heart I know she's right. I just don't like see myself that way. As a victim.

I don't know what this will all mean. A restart, some process of healing or just moving on. Think I would prefer the latter. All I know right now is me feeling damn awkward and I'm not sure I did the right thing today.

Absolutely irrelevant; At my bike trip today, the pear tree

Much Love
Daniel

The hollow man

2011-08-28T10:20:00.001+02:00

It's been a few days now, yet I haven't fully recovered from the last migraine. Sure, the actual pain and suffering is long gone but my mood isn't alright. I have previously realized this is the case after a massive attack so I guess I'm not that worried. I'm basically just riding out the waves after the storm.
Feeling hollow, like there's no main point at all. At all. No major interest in anything, and no appetite. Like last night, Saturday night. For once the entire family was gathered. No kids were off at friends or camp or just gone missing, The Gf wasn't working late. Normally I'm the one doing the cooking at home but last night The Gf had made an effort. A garlic marinated steak. Oven baked potatoes. A chilli sauce. A glass of wine. I felt nothing. No joy, not anything. It was just a meal, one of many others. Yes it was delicious but it could just have been impersonal takeaway brought home in sloppy boxes instead. I would have felt the same "excitement". Think she saw my mood and got disappointed but didn't say anything. Then later all I wanted to do was go to bed. Have the world of sleep take me away... from what? Myself? Yeah, that's a good one. Be social, do something fun? Rather not. I'm sick of this, this feeling of being dead inside, sick of letting people down. Smiles are far away. Just like the flavours of life.

I just had some sort of emergency call from work and I need to show up. Hopefully this is a quick thing to fix. It's Sunday and I'm actually off duty but I felt obliged to do my share to make our operations tomorrow morning run smooth. For the greater good I guess. It's not about me, my life rarely is.

Much Love
Daniel

Back from shooting star zombie land

2011-08-26T16:25:00.001+02:00

First of all, I'm truly sorry for my previous incoherent post. I'm not sure what went through my mind when I wrote that piece of crap. Probably nothing... but I guess that goes without saying. So I had me a massive run over by my migraines. An extreme headache and shooting stars all over my vision. It started at work with the usual premonitions, didn't want to take my meds right there and then as they make me feel dizzy and sick but as soon I came home I did. Unfortunately it was too late to completely halt the attack so I had to endure a couple of hours of the "amazing star show" before I passed out ridiculously early. But I guess given the circumstances hitting bed at 7pm was excused.

Next day; after 12hr sleep completely unconscious, feeling alright-ish. Or to be more precise; No major headache, no apatite, just a weird numb feeling and issues with visual focusing... but E-x-h-a-u-s-t-e-d. Completely exhausted, both mentally and physically (the latter I can't explain) so my dear comrades at work simply had to do without my stunning achievements. A day spent in the sofa, I guess it doesn't sound that bad. And if you ignore being numb/exhausted/unfocused it was alright. Luckily I had a bunch of unwatched DVD's and recorded random shows to keep me company.

And today, back at work. I know, it's Friday. Why on earth return to work on a Friday if I already had spent my Thursday at home on sick leave? I don't know. Work ethics? Or the knowledge we're already short staffed without me rewarding myself with extra lazy days off? Sounds weird but it's most likely a combination of both. I should be given a raise for being such an outstanding employee, right? Please, tell my boss! :D

When I was in the deepest of zombie-state the boys acted simply amazing and I sure have told them both. The Gf was off working late and me cooking supper for those two wolfing teenagers wasn't even in the horizon. "Don't worry dad", The Young Man told me. "I'll fix something". And he did something improvised basically following one of my favourite recipes. The Kid thought TYM's cooking got a little too spicy, but judging from what was left on their plates (or rather; not left) that issue obviously wasn't too severe.

So, I'm back. The zombies has had me out of their claws yet again. Great. And yes, I realized another thing back at work today; I have only two days left on my current schedule. Next Wednesday I'm off because of personal reasons... and then... Violá!... My new shortened schedule!! It's only the upcoming Monday and Tuesday left! It feels so damn sweet, in my heart I know I have done the right thing, even though we'll lose some income.
I'm only a bit worried I will go disappointed when I realize I'm actually not changing that much. I will be doing the same crap stuff as before, just a little less of it. Oh well. I guess (!!hope!!) that disappointment will be worth it.

Much Love
Daniel

A quicky

2011-08-24T16:31:00.000+02:00

"...the snowstorm has hit us. Somehow this feels like thee proper afternoon to stay indoors" "Yuck" "Yuck again" "...the piles of snow are close to ridiculous" "...the snow was barfing down... sideways" "the traffic collapsed"

It's that time of the year. It goes darker. Colder. Greyer. Mornings shrouded in fog. This morning was no exception.

I guess it should be depressing but for some reason it isn't. Not yet. Maybe because the past summer has been a really good one? Probably.Well, don't worry, I know what I wrote the last winter. And the one before that. In the beginning of this post I quoted myself and it probably won't take long till you start find similar desperate shout-outs. In that sense I'm pretty predictable (try see that from the positive side)

The season up ahead has by me been sliced in to a couple of survivable chunks. Trips, that's what I like to do most and I have planned a few of them. I'm probably wasting way too much money on my trips but I honestly think it's worth it. Hopefully this distraction and/or catch of sunlight will make me endure the white cold fluffy stuff soon starting to fall on me. Oh well.

(Sorry for any weird or unusual grammar in this post, I can feel a migraine approaching and that makes concentrating on words a bit tricky)

Much Love
Daniel

One down, one to go

2011-08-23T19:03:00.003+02:00

So The Kid started school yesterday. With a what I suspect a well practised and acted gloomy face he left home in the morning, only to return in the afternoon. He wasn't at all as heartbroken and destroyed as he had predicted earlier in the day. Maybe going back to school wasn't all that bad? And maybe seeing his classmates again at least made up for some?
Back home he pulled out a neat pile of documents from his new backpack. Policies rules and contracts for the use of school computers, lockers etcetera and so on. It all had to be read signed and returned.

Today I had a private meeting with his new teacher. Or mentor as they nowadays prefer call themselves. Seems to be a fair and reasonable guy, and knowing The Kid is an intelligent and perceptive 13yo boy I honestly see no need for worries.
I'm not stupid. Of course I know I now and then will have to push him to complete homework and projects on time. "Stuff" and "incidents" will naturally also happen along the way. I expect that. If it's all quiet on that front I will most likely go worried suspecting he's really good in hiding his contrabands and wrongdoings. It's better for The Kid to go busted and learn his lesson... and that way I will find out what he's up to. Rather that than have foul play totally spiral out of control.

So I handed over all signed papers to the mentor and together we read the evaluation of The Kid, written by his last teacher. That's about it. Twenty minutes. I guess when you have a full class of new students (and parents) lined up efficiency is the key word. The Young Man is off to school on Thursday, of course he isn't late in repeatedly informing his younger brother about himself still being out of "prison". Well you just wait, The Kid keep on replying, by now fed up with this teasing and asking me to tell TYM to stop. Sibling love...

When I biked home from the meeting one thought struck me. I wonder if they still do check-ups at the school nurse?? I haven't seen any notes brought home with the boy's length and weight in a long time... and there hasn't been any info about it in the weekly newsletters as well. I wouldn't be surprised if the school nurse was sacked in one of the budget cuts enforced by our "dear" politicians. I should have asked the mentor.

Throughout my time in school we had annual visits at the nurse. Much dreaded visits I must add. Maybe I saw them as even worse... I knew the nurse in person. She was the mother of one of the boys I sometimes hung out with. We weren't exactly friends but we had a mutual friend, and through him we knew each other... and that's why I had met his mother. Maybe she didn't recognize me at school but I recognized HER. That was bad enough.
I remember the awkward feeling when standing there in my underwear. She was checking eyesight hearing ~~hight~~ length weight and for scoliosis (and all I was thinking was please stop please stop please stop please stop please stop). Most times she did stop in time. But on a few occasions her investigations got too close and she lowered what little clothes I had for a view and a quick poking around, so to speak.
That was simply... surreal... but the fun part was going back to the waiting classmates and spread the news (and terror) of what was to come LOL Their eyes, their panic. Priceless! That's the benefit of having a surname starting with an "A" and being amongst the first to be sent in :D Oh, memories....

Anyway. Back to school it is. I bet there soon are late night parents' meetings to attend as well. Meetings that never seem to end just because a single parent has to question everything the school stands for. You can read it in everyone else's faces; "SHUT UP!". But he/she doesn't. And it goes on and on and on. How inspiring. Parenting sounds like a lot of fun, doesn't it?

Trust me, despite this rant it actually is.

Much Love
Daniel

Come crashing in Into my little world

2011-08-21T16:37:00.002+02:00

Been a decent day so far. Like most other days I didn't sleep that late but that's me. As long I get the hours I need I'm fine.... the teenage "sleep all day" period is over for me. And for a Sunday morning getting enough sleep shouldn't be a major problem, right? A little later The Gf woke up and after having breakfast we decided to go for a bike ride. I don't think the boys even had made it out of bed when we left. Yes, we're so damn sporty! LOL

Said and done, we did. Don't believe we met any civilised people, only runners and fellow bikers, dog walkers and a few kids obviously and reluctantly on their way to soccer practice at the local sport field.

Oh... hi

Should be more Sundays each week, definitely. I think I like this lazy free approach to life. Maybe I should win the lottery, then retire for a luxury life of Champagne and laziness? Yeah, I think that will be my future plan! ;)
Back in the real world the rest of the day has been spent trying to make something out of a recording from earlier this summer. It was one of those days spent in my parents deserted city apartment with lunch from the sushi place down the street. Today I was forced to realize my... erm... impressive recording unit has embellished this (35th or something that stupid) attempt on playing one of my favourite tunes with several loud clicks and pops and other electronic noises. I'm not going to tell you have many hours I have spent trying to erase them.

The result is a bit so so... however I feel I need to let this one go before I ruin my own view of this beautiful song. I realize the tempo and the dynamics could be improved but that's my usual issue. Deal with it. I hate the metronome, I so refuse to use it.

Enjoy the silence. By ear so it probably isn't accurate, see it as an interpretation okay? There's some more over at my soundcloud

Much Love
Daniel

Back to school

2011-08-20T17:27:00.008+02:00

The gloom and doom is obviously spreading. Or at least it has found a new victim; The Kid. Well his complaint is sort of common this time of the year, think it's called back-to-school panic. Like most local kids he is now looking seriously pale and is fighting against the nausea LOL The last couple of days he simply hasn't been the happiest kid on the planet... but I suspect I sometimes share that feeling. It's similar to back-to-work panic, isn't it? Probably.
Either way. In all this he has kept his sense of humour. A few days ago Metro, the free ad-based newspaper, had on its front page "One of three (kids) are worried about going back to school" (link)
He showed me that page and said They got it all wrong. Shouldn't they ask what's wrong with the two thirds of kids who are obviously happy about school, instead?? :D

Isn't it sad to see the excitement the kids showed when the started first grade slowly fade away?

Yup, it soon is. Monday is thee much dreaded day.

We went shopping for his school return today. The rain that was supposed to end that didn't even close to end and took away all daylight made us steer towards the mall instead of the city as it was initially intended. A new backpack, the time and efforts it took to chose this particular one makes me seriously suspect that model size and colour is all within the local fashion and "must" at his school. New shoes for PE-class, my suspicions above apply here as well. Folders in different colours, a new calculator and protractors. And a new raincoat to take away the obvious and most common excuses to try stay home on wet days. Some stuff were on sale, most were definitely not though.

Having kids is not cheap. Of course I had already figured that part out. But I guess it's important letting him get the "right" stuff, within reason of course. We don't have school uniforms over here but sometimes I'm suspect that would be a great idea. Luckily my kids aren't that in to fashion but when they feel they do need some specific item to keep up (and to keep bullies away), it's probably worth it. However there are tons of kids running around dressed up in expensive designer fancypants brand clothes, comparing and judging each other.
I know kids coming from my municipal are considered spoiled and bratty, maybe that's because this is an affluent area. Last time I checked the statistics this was the fourth most wealthy municipal (out of the 290 this nation is divided in to). (With me excluded) people living here are generally well educated, have a good income and the unemployment figures are low. And the property prices are high. So maybe their parents can easily afford it... or think this race for fashion is worth it? The local newspaper now and then reports about expensive clothings belonging to the students being stolen from the school corridors. Why even bring it? I just don't get it.
If you ask me exclusive clothes should be kept away from school, just like there are no vending machines in school selling candy soft drinks or anything else non-nutritious. It's definitely enough of that in the world outside.

So that's why I probably would favour any suggestion about using school uniforms. Of course I suspect uniforms doesn't come for free either, but at least (in my brain) the frenzy for specific brands would be kept down. Or away from school. School should be a safe place for learning, safe from both bullies and commercial influences.

But then, maybe I'm just naive.

Short updates now. After a good 10hr sleep (that normally would give me a nasty headache but this time it didn't) I feel much better today. My world is suddenly seen in a much brighter light. Despite all rain. I'm also ashamed for being the crappy commenter I am. Sorry!
And The Young Man came home from his camping adventure late this afternoon - all dry! I didn't expect that. He and his friends gave up their camping in yesterday's crappy weather and spent the night in a garage belonging to the family of one of his friends instead. Sleeping on a concrete floor sounds a bit hard to me... but it's still most likely a million times more comfy than a tent, anything is... however he returned home happy and satisfied so I guess it was all good.

That's it for now. Till next time...

Much Love
Daniel

(edit: I think the rain finally stopped)

Updates and confessions

2011-08-19T17:27:00.000+02:00

A. Made the call to the psyche today and had the appointment arranged. Don't know how to put myself to it though, yet. B. My eagerly awaited new shortened schedule at work (that was supposed to start on Monday) has been postponed a week and half due to "unforeseen occurrences", which I suspect probably should be read general crappy planning. That sucks. When I was told (nicely asked convincingly) I wanted to punch my boss. Luckily I didn't. C, probably because of 'B'. Had a nasty headache when I got home. The Gf didn't spot that and started to blab about god knows what the very second I came inside our front door. When I told her to give me a break she got really pissed and was sure to let me know. That didn't exactly ease the headache. Honestly, I don't think anyone likes me, everyone has probably just learned to stand my person. Fine. D. The Young Man went camping with his friends... to celebrate the last weekend before school starts I guess. As soon he left the rain started. Poor kid. E. I'm so tired I can probably fall asleep standing. F. The morning was beautiful.

Much Love
Daniel

Life and circles

2011-08-18T16:09:00.000+02:00

I find it saddening when I'm forced to realize how life is stuck in a constant circle. Life is a circle. Things hidden in my head resurface at regular intervals. People. Places. Faces. Tears anger lost dreams and the daily race to prevail. What should be a decent day goes clouded by melancholy and apathy, the only true impulses breaking through are the ones that should be avoided.

Wonder where he went?

I took the day off. Didn't honestly feel like working. Think it did me good. I had me a long walk in the city. Earphones plugged in. Watching people and buildings. Lunch out. Random shopping. Trying to make some sense of my thoughts... and myself. There's no escape though, it never is. My electronic calendar had a flashing reminder; Time to make an appointment at my psyche for the annual checkup and renewal of prescriptions. How appropriate.Well I don't feel like going, for the risk of totally failing; Not today. It's always the same story. Nice questions with something deep lying beneath. Assessment. Trying to steer clear from running aground. Like the game it's always been. What's on stake? Me.

Life is a circle, deal with it.
(I don't mind circles in general terms, my only wish is for the diameter to be wider. And richer.)

Much Love
Daniel

Autistic stuff coming from my head

2011-08-16T16:44:00.005+02:00

I've been feeling a bit down lately, not sure I know why. Maybe it's the realisation summer is about to end... mentally, in my mind, it has already ended. The vacation is over, the boys are soon back in school, the nights has gone cold again - and dark. Yeah, maybe this is the reason. I haven't been experimenting with my meds again, last time I did I learned I better not. And I haven't since. Honestly, I have set an alarm in my electronic calendar as reminder not to screw this up.

In a way, watching the end of summer approaching and routines returning isn't necessarily a bad thing. I like routines, having a structure in life gives me a sense of security... and comfort. It makes my everyday life easier. Maybe I have a touch of autism? I know some simply h-a-t-e to make lists of things to do and when to do it. Well I'm not one of them. I have made myself a very private and unofficial schedule telling me when to clean our place, when to exercise, when to (not) use the computer, when to start think about arranging some sort of supper, when to do the laundry and so on.
Okay, I may have overdone this use of routines, just a little. But some (boring) stuff need to be dealt with like this, otherwise I will soon figure out an excuse to skip it. Seriously, who want to take a one hour Tuesday walk/bike ride in crappy weather if you're not forced to? "Forced to" I'm the one forcing myself to do this. Just like the Monday sweep-of-the-floors. And it works. So what's the problem. None I guess.

Monday. Vacuumed and polished the floor, made the surfaces in the kitchen and bathroom look decent and hopefully that will keep unwanted smells and lifeforms away a few more days (check). Went for a bike ride after supper before I got too tired to do it. When I got back home again The Kid had his bestest friend K over. If you have teenage boys at home I guess you can imagine the scene.
Shoes kicked out on the hallway floor (amazingly there were no marks from them in the freaking ceiling), fallen/dropped/thrown skateboards, floorball sticks all over, scratched and dirty rollerblades, hoodies helmets various protection gear and backpacks all simply dropped and left on the spot.
And dirt. Hallelujah.

My autistic Monday cleaning, just hours old; not a trace of it.

Should have gone ballistic but I didn't because this mess is a part of routines, too. Of course those two boys was sent back to the hallway to clear things up - pronto - which they did while making some sort of complaining noises. Routines, that too. I guess, seen from their perspective, having a dad nagging about pointless and totally unimportant stuff was just annoying. Well I hope it was a small step in ~~appreciating~~ accepting efforts made to make the place we insist in call home reasonably sanitise and inhabitable.

So there you had it, a ranty sneak view inside the autistic head of mine. Now I need to move forward in my schedule. It's 4:45pm. There is a 15 minute news summarize on the radio. The perfect place to listen is the kitchen while trying to figure out the supper of the day. Yup, routines....

Much Love
Daniel

The last weekend of summer

2011-08-14T18:27:00.000+02:00

Much Love
Daniel

Writer's Aspirations. And the source of the flies

2011-08-13T09:08:00.002+02:00

OMG! I used to have this one. God, I'm so old!

For a long time I have been having this story inside me. Words and paragraphs forming in my head creating chapters... maybe unstructured chapters, still... without no clear beginning or end. You know I have always loved to write. I've been involved in school papers, newsletters for various clubs and businesses I've been engaged in, I've been running websites and I've been writing for my own personal satisfaction without any aspirations whatsoever to have it published.

Writing is fun, to me it's that simple.

So I have previously tried to write "my" story down. Some parts has been good but most of them surprisingly fluctuating and incoherent. In most cases I have spent days (or rather; nights) writing, just to realize it is all crap. Even I could spot that, fast. No point at all put someone else through reading it. It's been that horrible. Luckily, when I searched my keyboard a little, there's a button labelled delete. A quick punch and I'm free again.

Why has it have to be that hard to write coherent stuff? In my mind it sounds just great. Maybe there's some tweaking left to be done but all the characters and settings are there. It's like they disintegrate and mutate on their way out. What comes out isn't that brilliant story, it's something horrible that has to be kept away from the word at any cost. Or else we're doomed. Sort of.

I'm most likely all stupid because I'm on it again! The last days it's been really hard to focus, my mind has been busy working on a story again. Well, it's basically the same story as before, but now even "better". And once again, have it out writing has turned out to be a tough task. Nothing new there. Last night I sat down as long I could stay awake and wrote just as it came to me. Which of course was an all-immense terrible incoherent mess... but maybe I can make something out of it, later on? Have it as a basic structure, rework and rewrite indefinite times, expand, unfold, develop, cry over...
At least I had a really good night sleep. Finally I had an night when my mind didn't even try process my story. I just laid down and passed out. I guess that alone was well worth some aching typing fingers.

Hasn't evolution missed something. Shouldn't we all have a USB-port in the back of our heads, just connect a printer and press... sorry, think... print, and out it comes? But then, how do you stop stuff you want to keep for yourself to go published?? Maybe it's not a good idea after all.

Anyway, so far I haven't reached the point of deletion. Not yet. Just sheer frustration.

Btw... and very much off topic. This morning I found the source of all those annoying little flies buzzing around at home. And it also explained why the cats has spent so much time in the hallway staring and meowing at The Young Man's corner and clothes. His backpack. Last used a couple of weeks ago. I suddenly saw flies emerging from its depth and when I did a little forensic excavation I found a yucky squishy ex apple-something, way way passed its last day to be consumed by humans. Nice. Or not. Now, a little scrubbing later, the flies are homeless and the cats are bored. I'm such a bad person ruining the fun, ain't I?

Much Love
Daniel

My first condoms, and I did it to him too

2011-08-11T16:54:00.012+02:00

If you were quick in reading yesterday's post you might have seen a paragraph I deleted after an hour or so. It wasn't anything crazy but possibly inappropriate given the subject of the post and my poor timing. Condoms. Yup, it was about them.
Watching The Young Man with his gf (?) I recalled how I have done my dad's trick on him, I once smuggled down a pack of conds down his bag when he was going on a trip. The Young Man hasn't commented upon this, never ever, so I have no idea how my sneaky smuggling turned out. Nor do I want to find out. It's simply not my business. But hopefully I saved him from the embarrassment of buying his first set.

I wonder why it has to be embarrassing? (Or maybe it's just me feeling this way). Over here condoms are sold openly in every store. At my closest supermarket due to the risk of shoplifting you pick up a receipt at the cashier, and when it's paid for that receipt is valid in a safe-looking massive vending machine just meters away. The machine that prints those receipt is operated by a touch screen, there are a few items protected and delivered by that vending-safe-thingy. Cigarettes, condoms and razorblades I think it is. Anyway, that touch screen has of course symbols for each item. Hit it and it miraculously prints a corresponding receipt to be presented to the checkout chick. Guess what the symbol for the conds look like? A huge "erected" condom. What presumably is inside making it look that "inflated"... well that's up to your imagination I guess LOL But really, why not?
Like most stores there's mostly young people working there, I guess handing over a condom receipt to a girl (or guy!) in their upper teens may feel a little awkward... but on the other hand, those are probably the ones using them the most - so it shouldn't.

So my dad pulled his trick on me once long ago. Think I was 14, possibly 15, and was sent to a week-long summer camp. The camp itself has by now sunk in oblivion... was it sailing? Maybe. Could have been the music camp too. Either way. My dad drove me there, and as he had my bag out from the car and we said goodbye to each other I remember him saying something like "I packed something for you, you'll find it later". Okay?? Well that was eventually changed to a giggling OMFG when I saw what he had stuffed down my socks undies and tees.
Don't worry, it didn't take me long to find the proper use for that surprise - waterbombs! Like made for it!! Maybe I was a little too immature for this, but this first real life meeting honestly had my curiosity awakened. I don't remember if I saved a cond for myself or if I got hold of another package but soon after I tried one as they were intended. Jack off using a cond, the sounds it makes are just weird.

Still, I guess learning how to put them on... field testing them you might say... is a probably good exercise for the future. This happened in the late 70's. Maybe the society was a little less modest back then? I don't know.

Crazy topic for a post, I know.

Much Love
Daniel

My resignation and a surprise

2011-08-10T19:16:00.009+02:00

Today I handed over my resignation at work. Well, it wasn't any overly drastic move or so. As I'm reducing my hours I was given a new contract to sign, which I did... but then I also had to officially resign from my previous full-time contract. And for the record that had to be done in writing, I guess it's the lawyers orders.
Of course I did all this in the proper order (seen from my perspective that is); I first made sure I had my new contract signed and valid in my hand, then I resigned from the old one. That meant for a few minutes I actually had two contracts running. Just for fun I thought about suddenly refuse that resignation to see what might happen, maybe I had been given double salaries?? (Not to ruin my fun theory please ignore the part that also probably says I had been forced to do double shifts...), but my boss had been surprisingly accommodating in this process so I just couldn't do it.

So now my new deal is officially on, it honestly feels damn great. I just hope my wallet will feel the same in a few months.

I've been quiet with this but now it didn't take long till the word came out of course, and a few of my workmates came and congratulated me. What for, I really didn't get that part. Maybe they're happy to see me a little less, or maybe jealous? I'll go for the latter. I know some got seriously jealous (and grumpy), at least two of my colleagues has recently tried to reach similar agreements but had it turned down. I don't know why I had my silly idea so easily approved, maybe my approach when selling the idea to the management was different? Maybe they ARE genuinely happy too see me less?? Who knows. (Well, I'm honestly happy to see THEM less, so...)

When I came home I was in for a surprise I definitely didn't expect. I had hardly got out of my shoes when The Young Man met me in the hallway and told me a friend of his was soon to come over. It was something about printing some documents or music sheets I think. I didn't listen very carefully, I was just surprised about him informing me, that had my focus. Why? Why tell me? He's soon 18, he know he can bring whoever he feel like (within reason of course), my permit or approval isn't needed.
A little later I had the explanation to his somewhat nervous behaviour. Through our door a young sweet lady entered and they gave each other those cute looks. Aha!

Anyway. I don't know how serious they are, they looked cute anyway, and The Young Man had us introduced in a proper and official way. They did their stuff... the printing!... then I actually gave them some money to go have pizza on their own at the local restaurant. I just pictured myself in his situation, having his kid brother and dad around and annoying over supper... looking at them, listening... at least I would be close to freak out. Or die of embarrassment. And The Young Man looked grateful when he grabbed that cash. Maybe he will thank me later for it, who knows?

Much Love
Daniel

Work and Wash

2011-08-08T14:54:00.000+02:00

I guess all good things comes to an end eventually, like vacation. Getting out of bed early this morning was not an easy thing to do, it was almost like an out-of-body experience. Yet I made it. Having my workmates welcome me back, as well as a few regular customers, that kind of took the worse shock away.

What really made my day was the printout of my new schedule my boss handed me. You see, for quite some time I have been thinking about reducing my hours. Not much, a few hours per week to make the balance between work and my life off work (yes, I have such a life!) more favourable. I wasn't sure what my boss would think about it though, but at least I could ask right? What's the worse that could happen? (getting yelled at and fired, probably) After much consideration I actually asked, and after explaining the situation and my sneaky plan my boss told me he had nothing against it - in principal - but I had to figure out the practical details together with the guy in charge of planning and scheduling.
By coincidence that particular guy happened to walk by, I grabbed him and after some haggling (and he had to make a quick phone call to our Danish HQ to have it all okayed) we suddenly had a deal. I honestly couldn't believe my luck and how easy it was all solved. From mentioning it to the boss, to the handshake - one hour. Top.

That was all before my vacation. Today I was given the new schedule starting in two weeks from now. Naturally I will lose some payment but not more than I can afford, and given I will (hopefully) feel much better on a personal level that lost income is peanuts!! So that's why the end of vacation didn't feel all too bad.

After coming home from work The Young Man asked me to show him how to operate the washer, which I of course did. Even though he didn't look extremely exited over this new task of taking care of his own clothes, we completed the crash course without any arguments or sulky faces. Currently his first ever set of own clothes to wash all by himself is spinning. Yay! It calls for a massive celebration, right? LOL

Much Love
Daniel

About monsters and not, I guess

2011-08-07T12:56:00.015+02:00

The rain is pouring down outside, the cats are randomly fooling around, the robot vacuum has been set free on the hallway floor to do its thing. I just had 'lunch' consisting of a bawl of strong hot coffee coming straight from the coffee machine, now I have a pile of paperwork to deal with which is sort of appropriate considering the weather. Everyday life goes on, you could say.

Or is it? Yesterday, after writing and re-reading my post I didn't feel good at all. Hitting that publish-button wasn't an obvious thing to do, eventually I did and it left me with a huge lump in my stomach. Why? Can't say really. My intentions wasn't of course to hurt anyone, yet what I had down in writing was honest and it was my true feelings.

Guilt
Shame
Anger
and a touch of confusion, as always

Feelings, that's something I have immensely hard to deal with. I rather bury them all and go blank instead, because taking a look inside may hurt like hell, I may come to hate what I see. Emotions are scaring the shit out of me and I'm deeply afraid for what doors such inside look might open. But I guess dealing with this is a process, just like pointless therapy long ago. Rate your feelings Staring at piece of paper laid out at the desk. This is a safe place, we can talk about anything, he says. A scale from 1-10. Sad faces to happy faces, like I'm a kid not able to read and write. How to do this when I don't want to access my own feelings? So what's considered normal? Trying to figure this one out. Should be somewhere in the middle, right? Not too high, not too low. But not too much in the middle either, that's just too obvious. Feels like a guessing game. It's not about me, it's about trying to choose the proper answer. Blending in is good. He can say whatever he want, Hiding is thee safe place.

I'm probably a hopeless specimen, forever doomed to battle what experiences I'm carrying. That's why I believe this is what I am... this is what I have become. Normally there is some state of balance (terror balance) making everything all work reasonably well... making me able to live a life not too fucked up and disturbed. However sometimes there is some disturbance making the balance tip over one way or another. Like yesterday. Like when taking a deep dig in memories.

I can of course see my part in it all, what I did and most of all; not did. But I can also see what someone else has contributed with, bringing me here. I have called him 'B'. Or 'monster'. Because that's how I still look upon my memories of him, a monster. But I also see an amazing and fun friend. Two sides. Probably a person dealing with his own life and desires, having the best intentions... even though the side I didn't like of him was more consuming than the other.

You see what's going on here? You see where I'm stuck? After all these years I'm still defending him. I'm trying explain and justify, trying to see parts of him that makes sense to me. Makes sense to you. He was a good person. He had me a great guitar, he taught me stuff, we laughed, we had fun and did normal things together, things I can explain. Things I'm not ashamed to talk about.
All this defending, despite I still very much remember how horrible he could make me feel. Standing there on my knees having pieces of him stuck inside me where I no way in hell wanted him to be, it's not easy to breathe, stuck in a situation out of control, I'm worried about the outcome to the extent I stop using my own emotions. Because emotions will make everything even worse. I even stop to exist? Really, what's the difference?

Maybe I'm only trying to defend myself. Justify what I am. To myself.

He was a monster, I'm afraid so. Can't see it any other way, but he was more than that (there we go again). I only wish he could have seen his own implications on others. Honestly, what I'm probably most upset about is me missing my chance to tell him just that. Look what you did, it wasn't just all fun.
But that's too late. He's gone, I should drop it.

Damn, I'm really trying. Maybe it doesn't show much, but I do try.

Much Love
Daniel

Does she know?

2011-08-06T20:08:00.002+02:00

Sometimes she just doesn't make sense to me. Does she know? If so, how? I have never told her. Of course there has been intense moments when I have wanted to tell her the truth, my entire soul have wanted to give her the full story. My story. I have wanted to cry on her shoulder, desperately wanted her to give me a big hug, dry my tears away and tell me everything will be alright.

But I can't. I think I never will.

I guess I'm all too egoistic, my world is way too self-centred. Even if what happened was long ago it's all still so vivid in my mind. Maybe distorted and confused, yet painfully present. And even though I try distance myself from it there isn't a day passing when I'm not reminded one way or another. I believe what I am nowadays and what I were back then has fused into something which is slowly wearing me down. But it's okay. I don't expect anyone else to understand, it's my life. My memories to deal with.

In the beginning of this summer my mother gave me a book to read, a book she had borrowed at her local library. She didn't explain why she thought I should read it though, she just said it was a good book, a contemporary story from the period in which I grew up. You don't say no to your mother, do you? So I accepted the book and when eventually we went to Göteborg I brought it to read at the hotel at night.

What can I say. I got shocked? Confused? Disturbed over some of the obvious similarities with my own life? Not sure which. Maybe all at the same time. The book was an autobiography, about a kid in love with punk music. That love, that wish to persue his own dreams brought him in massive trouble at school with bullies. Eventually he found an escape from his collapsing world in an older guy with whom he came to spend a lot of time. Unfortunately that person brought sexual abuse to the equation and the boy ended up in a relation in which dependence and self-inflicted personal shame made it impossible to break free. Alcohol and drugs became the dysfunctional numbing lifeline until he much later gathered enough strength to put his own foot down to end the abuse.

I have already realized my own childhood abuse situation never was unique in any way, nor am I trying to make it unique. Please note that. In that sense I'm nothing. No one. A lot of boys and girls suffered through various hardships in silence, not able to speak out or end their nightmares. Having no one to talk to that understands, no one to seek comfort at. Even on a direct question it was impossible to tell the truth. To avoid shame and further questions uncomfortable to answer a false denial became the easiest escape. Then, caught between an unexplainable feeling of guilt and a weird dependence to their abusers, the situation goes unsolvable. I'm afraid I don't believe much has improved since, unfortunately. Well maybe the ways to keep things in the dark, not much else.

I read that book in two nights. It was good and shocking, no doubt about that. In many aspects it could have been about me... it was about me. The boy in the book was given a drum kit by his abuser as bribe, I had a guitar. They did fun and crazy stuff compensating for the darker sides of their relation, just like we did. The boy in the book got dependent of his abuser, he couldn't say no and risk lose his friend. The similarities were many and obvious and that insight made me feel almost sick.
But my own questions about why my mum recommended that particular book to me bothered me the most. Was she only trying to give me a chance to re-experience something coming from my own teenage childhood life and the music that meant so much to me back then?
Or was she trying to tell me something completely different? Trying to ask me something??

- Please tell me the truth. What happened?
- Oh mum. Ready for this? You remember B? You remember how went sailing and all the rest? Remember how you asked me if I liked it and I said I did? Maybe I didn't, maybe I was too ashamed to tell you the truth. Maybe it wasn't all that innocent. He abused me. And I did stuff to him, too. Because I didn't know how to say no. Back then I hated myself for it, nowadays it's even worse.

Would I say something like that? I wish I could, but no. Not likely. I'm a big boy now. The memories are for me to live and deal with. So also the psychological issues. I still medicate. The 21st century solution.

Today I went to see her and I returned the book. Of course we had a chat about it and I got asked for my opinion. What could I say? Not the complete truth of course, still I couldn't lie to her. The same old story. Balancing the words, don't give way too much. I think I'm truly a horrible person, and for this coward cheap simple escape I want to cut my heart out... I don't see to have any good use for it.
But I just can't tell her. I can't. I don't think she knows but I believe she suspects something. Maybe she always has. Maybe I just confirmed it, I don't know.

I'm afraid that doesn't change anything. Telling just hurts too much. After all these years it still does. This is how monsters get away.

Much Love
Daniel

Jag älskar den pojken ("I love that boy") by Bosse Löthén

5 on the fifth

2011-08-05T08:20:00.001+02:00

Stephen Chapman over at The State Of The Nation UK runs the brilliant '5 on the fifth' open photo fest. For this month the suggested theme was "My Town". Well, as this is the week of my city's annual Pride Festival, why not use that as my own interpretation of the theme given? With that thought in mind I brought my camera on a Thursday walk through my town. The crazy parade is due on Saturday, maybe I'll go watch? Who knows.

- click on the image to visit Stephen's blog and find all other photographers -

I found almost all city buses equipped with appropriate flags. Nice!

Inside the main downtown mall, there were of course flags all over. I love the reflections from that ridiculously massive chandelier, the colours really fit.

Outside some random fish shop I happened to walk by this flag was proudly waving in the wind. Obviously the fishes had decided to join, too. (Or possibly the owners of the shop)

According to me The Sheraton hotel is probably the ugliest building in town, constructed in a time when there was a completely different view on architecture. Nevertheless, the hotel takes part in the Pride Festival. That's some sort of comfort and excuse I guess.

Västerbron ("The western bridge") that connects two of the main islands offers without any doubt the most stunning view in town. Yet another city bus (with flags attached of course) passes.

That was my 5 on the fifth. Thanks for watching. Now, go check out the rest of the contributions, alright?

Much Love
Daniel

Finished, or not

2011-08-04T09:45:00.000+02:00

Quite late yesterday we managed to finish the redecoration project of The Young Man's room. Honestly it got finished-ish. Like always it turned out to be more thorough than initially expected, more thorough than we had planned for... and had time for. Neither him or I had anticipated the need to also replace the fitted carpet so we decided to do that fun task "later". I know, that's the stupidest thing to do. Now in some probably not too distant future we will have to clear his room yet again just to fix the stupid floor... oh dear. Oh well.

There wasn't anything else to do. Just like me, he had some other plans for the rest of the week. And for me it's also about the sheer principle. It's his room, he will have to participate in whatever we need to do. Participate, depending on skills and knowledge of course. But that's how we learn right? No one is a born expert in installing floorbords. I'm definitely not, but by doing it together we'll solve it, I'm pretty sure about it. Well he said he didn't had more time to spend on this project right now, and I wasn't too keen in doing it for him on my own. So that's why we'll do it "later".

Anyway. Mission (as planned) completed. The extra work will have to wait. And I somehow think he likes his "new" room, he even made his own bed this morning. Without me having to ask him. What about that? LOL

Much Love
Daniel

Soon to come; 5 on the fifth

2011-08-03T18:56:00.000+02:00

Stephen Chapman over at The State Of The Nation UK runs an open photo fest on the 5th of every month called '5 on the fifth'. It's simple and it's brilliant!

The suggested theme is this time "My Town". Don't miss it, or even better, contribute! Click on the image above to visit, alright?!

See you there!

Much Love
Daniel

Porn. And a cunning plan

2011-08-02T21:12:00.000+02:00

The last two days, and I suspect we're not completely finished yet, we've been working on The Young Man's room. The two of us has transformed it from a boy's room to a room more suitable a young man. Just clearing his mess and stuff simply stuffed down into the drawers was an immense task, and eventually we produced an impressing pile of clutter. A lot of it could without further delay be sorted into plastic bags and swiftly relocated to the recycling station but some of his "precious belongings" presented a more sentimental dilemma before the final separation. Somehow I suspect he had already removed any possible private and embarrassing collections as none of any kind surfaced. I'm either impressed by his character or his ability to clear all traces of stuff he doesn't want us to know anything about.

I recall my mother once found my stash of pornography when she by some weird unexplained reason got tired of my messy room and decided to do something drastic about it. What she found was just one of several stashes, probably the one least cleverly hidden. Of course I didn't inform her about that. Well she wasn't happy with me at all, especially as I was in clear breach with her ban against pornography at home. She had told me such "literature" could give boys a weird perspective on sexuality in particular and women in specific. With some retrospect I realize she's probably right and I guess share that opinion...nowadays. Back then I didn't even understand what she was talking about. I had brought porn home and she didn't like it, that part I could figure out by myself, but why? No, not really.
So I had my mum's wrath to deal with, and if that wasn't enough my four year older sister of course soon heard the news... and when my mother stopped lecture and yell at me she took over with passion. What did I learn from this? To hide my private stuff even better. After that incident they never had me caught red handed ever again. Of course my magazines didn't disappear, they just believed so.

Anyway. After dumping whatever had to be dumped we paid a visit to that place selling furniture in flatboxes. The Young Man was given a new bed, this time a "real" bed with a spring mattress core, instead of his worn out rubber mattress. When I saw the shape of his old bed I was honestly ashamed, buying a new bed wasn't a day too late! Maybe that purchase got a little expensive but even though I didn't tell him I actually have a cunning plan in the back of my head. I guess the day he want to move out from home isn't too far away, and with this bed and some other useful furnitures we have recently bought him he will hopefully have some basic stuff to bring to his new home. Wherever it'll be. Not that I'm about to throw him out the door, it's just whenever he decide to leave I don't want him to leave bare-handed and have to go shop everything in some state of panic.

So the other day I informed both The Young Man and The Kid they hereafter will have to deal with their own laundry. The parental laundry service is simply about to end in our home. Of course they got a little surprised but when I told them why they understood. The arguments I had anticipated didn't come at all, instead they asked how to wash, not without a certain worries in their voices. Well I told them The Gf and I aren't going to dump this new task on them just like that, of course we'll show them how and what to do. With that it all landed smoothly. Amazing! I love those kids!!
At Ikea today I also bought them a laundry basket each. The Young Man was there with me to pick his own, the one I found for The Kid is so cool! It looks like a snake would crawl out of from if you sit down and blow your flute. I wouldn't be surprised if he will try snake charming, just for fun. He's off on a sleepover with his bestest friend K, tomorrow we'll find out if he will start pull snakes from that basket LOL

Till then.

Much Love
Daniel

Ceremony

2011-08-01T10:44:00.005+02:00

I know this isn't the proper forum for music, still. Here's my interpretation of Joy Division's Ceremony. Played by ear, no sheets available sorry. More on my Soundcloud

Original here

Much Love
Daniel

The trip / pt4 [Final part]

2011-07-30T22:45:00.014+02:00

This is the final episode of the illustrated report from me and The Kid's summer trip, a trip in which the journey itself is a part of the destination. Did you miss the start of our trip? No worries, just click here for an instant teleportation back to part one and the start of this story. Part two is here, amazingly you'll find part three here. I'm getting good at this, ain't I?

First a quick recap to keep you up to speed; After changing direction a couple of times (and apparently also locomotives) next morning we found ourselves in Paris... even though some signs indicated differently. The metro turned out to be a fake and our hotel was designed by someone having a migraine. Despite those little issues we had a great two day stay. Eventually we boarded yet another train bound for...

...St Pancras, which means we made it to London using the Eurostar service. As mentioned in the previous episode the boarding procedures felt really weird, like getting on an airplane. Luckily we weren't trying to smuggle anything so neither the bag-xray or the metal detectors did stop our progress. The train left Paris two seconds early (I'm about to write a strong letter of complaint about THAT! LOL), two and a half hours something later we got off in the centre of London. Neat. The channel crossing was as exciting as riding the metro. Minus the crowd. Plus comfy chairs.

London greeted us with the usual weather. I just don't get it. Whenever I go here it seems to be raining to some extent. By now I'm of course prepared and equipped with a decent umbrella, that's obviously an essential part of the survival kit any serious London traveller must bring. This is our view from the hotel. Maybe not much but way way way better than the view the French offered us, trust me.

I'm not sure if this is funny only because of some horrible language shortage but we both had a good laugh over this sign. And for the sake of our personal safety we decided it was a good idea to dine elsewhere, which we did.

The lifts at Gloucester Road tube station didn't impress The Kid so at least when going down he happily used the manual transportation instead. Even like this, in the early morning hours, that didn't stop him. "Let's take the stairs, dad." Why not.

At Kings Cross with a mission, we're catching the 8:30 train bound for Newcastle. We're not going to whole way to Newcastle though. Yet we had to check; Yup it seems to be running on time. Thanks Micky for helping us arranging the tickets.

The tickets, yes. I really like the clever and thoughtful complete service. By mail we had been provided with a complete deck of... erm.. tickets also useful to play games with if we got bored. Now that didn't happen but I honestly appreciate the care of the railway company :D

...and off we went. Again.

Two hours later we got off at York York to visit...

...The National Railway Museum. I've seen a lot of railway museums at various locations, this was definitely an impressing one. I will happily admit that. Not only the exhibits amazed me, everything had also been displayed in a clever manner to offer something interesting to everyone, no matter if you're a railnut or not. There were tech-shows for kids and a really good catering service offering coffee actually worth drinking. Sorry all Brits, you just doesn't seem to get this thing with coffee. Except at the NRM in York York, then.

Our day flew by... if I'm allowed to use that expression in this case. When we got back to the railway station our train back to London turned out to be a direct express service. And obviously on time. Perfect!

The following day; Time for some sightseeing. The Tower Bridge and more...

...and of course riding the automatic Dockland Light Railway. The distance between some of the stations was ridiculously short. I suspect there's a reason for it, still for an outsider it sometimes looked plain stupid.

Lunch or so. Not that nutritious, thank you I know. Yet it was very much approved by The Kid.

Grabbing him for a portrait. We need to have at least one pic showing us both, right?

So what did he most like of London? I guess, this. The Tube. In fact The Kid came to really like the most of London, honestly much more than Paris. As a conclusion you might come up with this analysis for all city planners; Don't build fake metros. The Kid won't like you then.

Well, all good times come to an end, right? Before we knew it we found ourselves at Heathrow airport waiting for our flight back home. Yes, we cheated. Of course any serious traveller would have turned around and head back in the opposite direction after reaching their final destination. We didn't. After ten days on the move we went for the fastest way home.

After a lunch consisting of wok at Wagamama's, eventually our flight decided to show up on the screens. I wouldn't have mind it being displayed a little earlier. Heathrow is huge to say the least, being able to sit down at the correct gate instead of strolling around waiting for the secret location to finally be unveiled would have been nice. Oh well, can't have it all I guess.

Thank you, I will try. And if we had been given better seats we might just have doing exactly that. Isle seats, I hate them! Does anyone mentally sane really ask for an isle seat?? I seriously doubt it. Unfortunately for us the plane was fully booked so we couldn't change our seating. Ugh. I had to read those stupid magazines instead of watching the clouds. Luckily the flight was only two hours. An intercontinental flight like this? What a nightmare!

Back home, disembarking. If anyone wondered it's a B767-300ER, soon to be replaced by 787's and A380's if I understood the information correctly. The Arlanda staff to the right seems to be really busy. Yeah right.

But the trip wasn't over yet, it's not over that easily. This "amusing" sight met us when we approached the passport inspection. Crap, totally forgot! The UK isn't a part of the Schengen Agreement treaty so we had to nicely line up for inspection. Unfortunately for us, among those waiting were also a plane load of Chinese citizens. Processing them and their visas was obviously not a fast and easy task and that slowed everything down considerably. This was sure a gruesome reminder about the old days with passport inspections at every border crossing. Nowadays we Europeans have been spoiled with just passing most officers with a smile, not having to show any passports at all. Well not today. Definitely. Passing this point took a good hour.
Trying to see it from the positive side now; When we finally got to the baggage belt our bags were of course long waiting for us. I suspect they probably had spun a couple of million rounds while we were stuck queuing. Great. How fun for them!

Finally, on familiar roads going home!

So that was our trip. We were away from home 10 days, travelling Stockholm - Copenhagen - Berlin - Paris - London, and back home again with plane. Amazingly, even though I did book decent hotels and all trains weren't the cheapest options, it didn't cost us more than the usual charter trip. Well almost anyway. It was definitely funnier than the standard charter trip, I know that for sure!
And my secret main goal, to spend some one-on-one time with The Kid was fulfilled with honour. It was great travelling with him, he's such a great character and I honestly feel blessed having him. It was also interesting to see a new side of him, a side I guess usually only seen by his friends, not shown at home. Nothing weird or scary or so, just a new side. Hopefully we have bounded some too, but I guess that is something that will show by time. And none of all my bookings turned out to have been confused or fucked up, just one stupid address which had us lost in Paris. What about that?! Impressed eh? LOL Thanks for reading and commenting!

Much Love
Daniel (and The Kid too, I guess)